Thursday, June 3, 2010

One track thinking

Sorry folks. All I can think about these days is about how I'm thinking. That is, how I'm integrating this medicated me into regular me and, in just about every moment, where I'm at with the whole thing.

I'm starting to feel more myself - motivated, enthusiastic, positive. But today I'm shaky. Anxious. Not in an about to have a panic attack sort of way but more a too much caffeine buzz.

I hate this feeling.

I'm also fighting sluggishness which makes it that much worse.

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm so convinced everything is revolving around meds but the air conditioning was on and it was both too cold and clammy at the same time. Plus, my period started this morning so I've been teetering on the edge of a headache for days.

As usual, I have too much to do but nothing creatively amazing to dig deep into. I'm accomplishing, which is good, but it's all low level creativity, which can be stifling.

I want to know everything will be ok. Not that that's different from any other point in my life, but I've never done anything like this before.

I wish I could just be in the moment and drift along in this but I'm a need to know person and not having all the answers or explanations is hard. Will I gain weight? Will the anxiety calm? Will my body still feel like my body? Will I stop asking so many questions?

That last one made me smile. I am who I am and nothing can change that.


MOLLYC said...

I think it takes about a month to totally adjust to meds. I got a little queasy at first, and had very brilliant and weird dreams. I switched to taking the pill at night, and the queasyness ended. The dreams continued, but never bothered me, as a matter of fact, I found them interesting. If you don't get along with Lexapro, there are others to try. I am such a fan of Paxil, but every person is different. I am such a believer in meds, since I spent SO MANY years in turmoil and anguish. Love to you, as always. m

sheila said...

Wow...thanks for your amazing will feel better.