But, it's still there. And writing, getting in touch, looking inside heightens my anxiety.
Maybe though, this state of unease is the brink of something bigger. Loosening the illusion of control will bring me to a better place.
So I'm at a loss of what to write about today. I'm dealing with a cold that's got both ears completely clogged, a printer disaster (1200 folders for middle school) that isn't resolving well, both kids home from school—citywide teacher meetings—along with my usual stress.
How do I move past that? My mind is stuck. It's so hard for me to break the patterns I've been trapped by for most of my life. Replaying scenes in my head. Remembering. Anticipating. Imagining. Dreading.
The astrologer I saw a couple of weeks ago told me I had to heal my heart. I understood what she was saying, but don't know how to. How do I change thought patterns, life patterns that are me? How do I let go of this when it terrifies me to do the very thing that will help me get to a better, calmer, more accepting, saner place?
Years ago, when I was caught in the iron-vise of anorexia I did a weight management program at my gym-it was about teaching people that it's the combination of diet and exercise which makes the difference. For everyone but me it was eating less and exercising more. And there I was, panic-stricken about eating more and exercising less. All I can say is thank you to that poor woman who counseled me. I was a train wreck of insecurity, hysteria, fear. And yet, in spite of myself, I got to a better place.
Now I'm more aware. I've stripped away many of the obsessions that filled me, sustained me. Now it's sort of a me against me battle. The old me afraid of letting go. The me I want to be no longer ok with rare glimmers of being.
My ego is battling my soul.
That realization rendered me speechless.
Ego vs Soul Smackdown.
(that could be a really cool t-shirt)