But, it's still there. And writing, getting in touch, looking inside heightens my anxiety.
Maybe though, this state of unease is the brink of something bigger. Loosening the illusion of control will bring me to a better place.
Maybe.
So I'm at a loss of what to write about today. I'm dealing with a cold that's got both ears completely clogged, a printer disaster (1200 folders for middle school) that isn't resolving well, both kids home from school—citywide teacher meetings—along with my usual stress.
How do I move past that? My mind is stuck. It's so hard for me to break the patterns I've been trapped by for most of my life. Replaying scenes in my head. Remembering. Anticipating. Imagining. Dreading.
Whew.
The astrologer I saw a couple of weeks ago told me I had to heal my heart. I understood what she was saying, but don't know how to. How do I change thought patterns, life patterns that are me? How do I let go of this when it terrifies me to do the very thing that will help me get to a better, calmer, more accepting, saner place?
Years ago, when I was caught in the iron-vise of anorexia I did a weight management program at my gym-it was about teaching people that it's the combination of diet and exercise which makes the difference. For everyone but me it was eating less and exercising more. And there I was, panic-stricken about eating more and exercising less. All I can say is thank you to that poor woman who counseled me. I was a train wreck of insecurity, hysteria, fear. And yet, in spite of myself, I got to a better place.
Now I'm more aware. I've stripped away many of the obsessions that filled me, sustained me. Now it's sort of a me against me battle. The old me afraid of letting go. The me I want to be no longer ok with rare glimmers of being.
My ego is battling my soul.
That realization rendered me speechless.
Ego vs Soul Smackdown.
(that could be a really cool t-shirt)
5 comments:
So much to say when I read this.
First of all, bravo for keeping going, keeping digging, even though the digging is hard. Most people would just pick a new patch to throw over the thing, so you are doing awesome.
Second, write positive as long as it serves you, but don't FORCE positive which is just painting a coat of white point over an outhouse. The lesson is to learn to BE the positive, not to fake it.
Third, who You are and what your patterns of thought and habits of action have been up until now ARE NOT THE SAME THING. You are not anxiety, worry, fear or pessimism. Those may have been choices you've made, your former system of coping, but they do not identify your Self.
Your Self, You, is so beautiful; it's full of hope and possibility and love. It shines into all our lives and offers unlimited "maybe"s and "yes"s to the rest of us (and to you too). The other things are just masks and costumes we were taught to wear to keep from shining to brightly, or from getting dinged up in the "real world".
I totally have "been there, done that" on the Soul vs Ego think... I'm always on the soul's side. :) Hey, if it helps, I believe in you!
So open and so honest, this is a lift to my heart and encouragement for me and I am sure others who struggle with trying to do our best to be our best. Thanks for the Spiritual Pedicure, and thanks for being a part of my travel in life. God Bless you.
Beautiful post, as always, so honest. Elissa - whatever I'd write would echo Megan's earlier comment.
The one thing I'll amplify, by repeating it, is: You are not your patterns. Patterns are habits of thought and behavior. People break dysfunctional patterns all the time.
It's not easy but it's not all that hard either. You're on your way, love.
The 2 questions I reserve for times when anxiety has me swirling, indecisive, frozen: What would love do here? and Which of these options brings me closer to love?
And by 'love' I don't mean: Getting loved. I mean, the essential 'love' that knows who you really are; the 'love' that, if you let it choose for you, will always choose wisely.
Elissa - The question is, what's the monster at the bottom of the pond?
I'll hold your hand and we can jump together.
I believe in you. You are strong enough to feel anything, really feel it, and it will not destroy your mind, body or spirit. You are that strong.
I tell my kids (and myself) that bravery is not the absence of fear, it is being afraid, and doing what's needed anyway.
You are one of the bravest people I know.
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