Today I had one of those lightbulb moments while walking to meet a friend for lunch. I was thinking about how good it would be to see her - she's one of my favorite yoga teachers on the planet. Her classes were filled with funk, groove and very often Pink Floyd, and I moved with grace through her creative flow. I'm not necessarily a graceful person so I'm more aware when my body clicks in the movement and all is utterly present. It's been almost a year since I've been in her class and I still yearn for that magic. I was also thinking about opening and closing doors - about how hard it was when she left the studio I practice at. And about people's reactions to what I wrote yesterday about change. Heartfelt honesty apparently can piss people off.
So, as I walked along the now ripped up Washington Square Park it hit me: it's not them. Nope, it's not them. People I look to for guidance, meaning, advice, people who are my teachers aren't the answer. If I'm not accepting the lessons they're here to share with me, I'm not learning. Their presence in my life becomes more of a crutch, a comfort, something I'm comfortable with.
That's not a bad thing. Comfort and familiarity are important. But if I'm always looking to the outside for an answer, where's my growth?
Looking inside is almost impossible
for me. I think it's not easy for many people to take responsibility for their thoughts and actions, reactions and how they are in this world. It's easier to blame situations, other people, to drink or exercise like mad, to avoid true introspection and what needs to change.
My familiar escapes don't work anymore and I think that's what this emotional crisis was about. I wanted someone to save me, to make it better, to undo the changes. I wanted to dive into somethig and ge lost there so I wouldn't have to deal.
But, I have to deal.
This journey can be so painful. On the one had it sucks. But on the other I'm grateful that I'm still questioning, growing, changing.
I'll be 46 in 3 days and I still feel like I'm the start of something new.
I'm grateful. And looking forward (with trepidation) to being my own teacher.