Sunday, October 2, 2016

under the weather

My sinuses are back up.

My head aches from the pressure

My left eye is pink and swollen and leaking goo in a variety of colors.

My throat is sore from chronic coughing.

Which led to my voice leaving me high and dry for a couple of days.

My body is rather achy.

I feel strange on all the webs.

I desperately need sleep but it's too uncomfortable to lay down.


This too shall pass.

But for now I'm living on cough drops and jello, chocolate pudding and hot soup. Waiting for my head to clear, my nose to drain, the fire in my throat to subside so I can go back to being me.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

resisting change

I used to be a creature of habit.

A focused machine.

I'd set a goal and damn it, no matter what, I made sure I got to where I wanted to go.

These days, not so much.

40 days of daily writing petered out at 10. Or maybe 11. I wasn't keeping track the way I used to.


And so, I'm starting today.

Today is day one.

I'm hoping to change, at least a bit, back into who and let go, at least a bit, of who I've become.

Monday, September 26, 2016

a change I'm hoping won't come (11)

I'm waiting for this presidential debate to start.

Nervously. Anxiously.

With dread.


The potential changes that are inevitable should Trump win make my skin crawl. My stomach turn.

His enmity, his narcissism, his egotism, his anti-intellectualism, his hate mongering, his disdain for just about everyone would all bring changes of the most negative, fatalistic kind.

I'm hoping instead this country comes together to stay the course.

Not change would be the best outcome in this nightmare scenario.

Well, not really no change. Hillary kind of change.

Women supporting, equal opportunity, make this country even better sort of change.

I'm fine with those changes.

And would be honored to call her President.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

changes (10): they're not all good

Change of seasons can stump me when it comes to fashion.

Some days I nail it - quirk, funk, edgy, eclectic. Boots, dresses, scarves, colors all come together for something unique and different.

Other days, not even close.

Today was one of the latter.

My too big jeans didn't look cool. Instead they screamed = shlumpy and saggy.

A belt wouldn't have helped.

Turns out I didn't love my new Love Trumps Hate shirt.

My favorite fall jacket looked sad and worn, not hip and retro.

The lavender flower I pinned to many lapels, looked like a haphazard afterthought.

After walking too long in my new Frye boots, my poor feet could only handle beaten up Birkenstocks.

My hair? We don't have to go there.


Today nothing was coming together.

The crisp fall morning that would usually challenge me, instead left me lost.

But tomorrow there's a good chance I'll be back in the fashion saddle.


Saturday, September 24, 2016

changes 9.0: late nights in the big city

I'm heading out to a show.

It starts at 10:30pm.

There was a mix up with the tickets.

We were supposed to see the 8pm seating.

I'm always happier with the early option.

I'm not a late night person.

Daylight, early mornings, routines make me much more comfortable.

And yet, hear I am, about to start an evening.

Yes, I know that for many this is on the early side.

But to me it's late. And that's a change I'm working on being ok with.

Not sure it's a good one. We'll see how it goes.

changes 8.0: last minute switch ups

Every Friday I take a kick ass Pilates class - trying my best to never miss it. It's been a constant in my life for awhile and while I have both love and dread relationship with it, the good outweighs the pain in the end. 

Today I raced to class, set up my mat, and a sub walked in. I'd taken her class before and it wasn't what I was looking forward to. Before I even had time to process what to do, I left. 

Walked out. 

Grabbed my bag and skedaddled. 

I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I slipped out as she walked past. 

I then wandered over to my yoga studio, took an hour and a half class, got to hear a stunning version of Little Wing, and dissolved into one of the best shivasanas ever. 

Unexpected change. 

A delightful outcome. 

Not getting caught up in expectations or disappointment. 

Good lesson to hold onto. 

Thursday, September 22, 2016

changes 7.0: down an organ

Six years ago, this coming Thanksgiving weekend, I got a text asking if I was serious about being a kidney donor.

Conceptually of course I was.

In the real world I wasn't as sure. 

I freaked out for a day or so and then realized I had to get tested. At least I'd know. I'd either be a match and then figure out next steps, or I wouldn't be and that door would be shut tight. While waiting for results, I wasn't sure what I wanted the outcome to be.

Two weeks after testing I got a voice mail that yes, I was a match. Joy flooded me. I sobbed in the street, thrilled beyond believe. I knew then this was meant to be.

The next six months weren't so much about joy and happiness. There was endless testing, there were complications, delays, stress, anxiety, countless unknowns. We didn't know until day of surgery if my brother even had room for a kidney in his scarred abdomen. And there are no guarantees that a new kidney would work.

It did. 

It still is.

That donation defined me for a long time. It changed me forever. 

I'm down an organ. 

But now I feel exactly the same.

My brother is healthier than he's been since he was a baby. But also settled in to his new status quo. 

Talk about a monumental, life changing, life saving change. 

That now feels like a dream.