Sunday, September 16, 2018

now that I’m not a writer

It’s been a long time since I felt like a writer. Many books and pieces and blog posts later, after finally feeling comfortable and then embracing the writing side of me, I stopped.

It wasn’t for a particular reason.

I’ve been immersed in different ways and words haven’t been as necessary to keep me balanced, to express my feelings, there wasn’t a need to make as definitive statement to the world, and I guess, to me, that I had things to say.

Having said that, I’ve been talking and thinking about not writing and it seems all that energy about not doing it perhaps means that I should be writing again. So many interesting things are going on: cool projects, awesome people, frustrating politics, kids growing up and out, parents needing taking care of, messy fights for what I believe in, figuring out what’s next . . . the usual stuff.

So I thought I’d come back here, to untangle the complicated strands that are my day to day and share some of them out into the world.

Words matter. Getting them out and letting them go is such a practice. Deep breath. Here I go.



Friday, January 19, 2018

huffpost

Yesterday I got an email letting me know that I was no longer a contributor to Huffington Post. It didn’t look like anything special. In fact I almost threw it away. But I clicked and found that an eight year outlet where I could voice my thoughts, concerns, and ideas was gone.

Door slammed.

I hadn’t written there in a while. While I immersed myself in activism and local politics for the past year, my writing voice has been stifled by all that’s going on. The words haven’t been there. Still a long time option gone is sad.

Change.

Sigh.

Should anyone be interested in the things I used to write about, I thought I post my catalog of musings here:

https://m.huffpost.com/us/author/elissa-652

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

blocks

It’s been a while since I’ve written here. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve written anywhere. Writing used to be my salvation, my way of coping, a place to process what was going on in my head, my heart and in the world.

Not these days.

Perhaps too much is going on. The country is a mess. The world seems to be falling apart in too many ways. I’ve got family situations that are both overwhelming and chronic wearing on my soul. It almost feels like examining any of it too closely would open floodgates and then I don’t know what I would do because I don’t know that I’d be able to close them.

And so I waste time on social media. I start lots of books that I don’t finish. There are endless knitting projects languishing in my closet. I don’t cook. My social life has scaled way back. I haven’t been able to dedicate myself to anyone thing for a while.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be able to do that again. To find something I feel so deeply about I’m compelled to push through to see how far I can go. I don’t know. I may never know. But I’m hoping that writing about writer’s block will hopefully chip away at this wall so that I can figure out what I should be writing about again.

Monday, August 14, 2017

quiet

Quiet.

Frozen.

Reduced.

Diminished.

Feelings and demeanors that have become a second skin. Words often escape me. Passion burns far less bright . Drive and depth, integrity and soul damped down to this place of small, of hiding, of bland.

Don't know when or how my voice and heart will return. Don't have much of a silver lining about it today. But perhaps there will be one later.




Thursday, August 10, 2017

broken

I want to be able to fix everything.

But sometimes I can't.

I wish I could make things better, take away pain, solve problems, bring things to a better place.

But it doesn't always work that way. In fact, it generally doesn't.

Sitting in unknown, waiting, hoping, worrying, dealing is all I've got right now.

And damn, it's hard.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

change

Change is inevitable and necessary but there are times I wish I could freeze time and just stay.

To soak it in as much as possible. To revel in the sweetness.

To savor those moments.

Moments filled with love. With joy. With silliness. With hilarity. With sweetness. With depth. With comfort. With bliss. With empathy.

Profoundly significant moments. And tiny ones as well.

All fade as time goes by and while I know there will be more, watching these fade is bittersweet.

Monday, August 7, 2017

nope

Today is not the day I go deep and am overwhelmed by inspiration and insight. 

Today was more stuck, cranky, moody, and a bit lost. 

We'll see what tomorrow brings.