sharing

I used to blog all the time. I had this blog. I had a blog dedicated to my kidney donation. I wrote a lot. It helped me process and feel and sharing helped me and sometimes it helped others who reached out to let me know they understood what I was going through and then social media showed up and all the writing I had done I transferred there. It was lovely to have a community and an audience and get likes and comments in real time in a more confined space and I loved all that but I also realized that social media can be addictive and negative and I’d spend time wondering if anyone would respond or care about what I was writing about or see the real me as opposed to my online persona. I never imagined I would let go of social media, but I could feel it’s toxicity and realized I needed to step away for a moment. 

That moment has grown into weeks. Honestly, I don’t really miss it most of the time. 

 There are plenty of moments I think I would like to share but then I think with whom and why? Maybe it’s enough to own my things for myself, and not need to share out so loud and so often. There is something performative about posting online and while that is neither good nor bad, maybe not sharing and just being is a better fit for me right now. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the likes and the comments and the interactions and support. But I don’t miss feeling like everyone else is living a better life or a more pain filled life or is something that I’m not. I’m not a content creator. I don’t need to world to acknowledge me. Maybe I thought I did for a stretch. But that’s a life of always chasing and performing. I’m working on being. And yes, sharing here but it feels like I don’t have an audience and that’s a relief.