missing

I’m on my way to my mom’s house. Only it’s not really my mom’s house anymore. She died just about a year and a half ago and this is the first time I’ll be there since her funeral. 

Whew. 

I can’t think of how many times I’ve been on a plane to visit her. Before I had kids and she and my stepdad would be waiting to pick us up at the airport. That first time when she saw me at the baggage carousel when I was pregnant with my first one. Bringing both kids with me and she’d come out and watch us by the pool. When she wasn’t up to car trips anymore and I’d run into the house to say hi and she’d be waiting in her wheelchair. Or I’d take an Uber to the hospital thinking maybe it was going to be the last time I saw her and it wasn’t. Until it was. 

She cried every time I left, saying she already missed me even though I was sitting right next to her. And I’d call from the airport to let her know where I was. 

Oh my goodness, I am tearful. Her things are gone. We had to clean out her closet the day of the funeral. My brother was there and now he’s gone too. Lots of loss and memories to grapple with today. But the pool will still be there and dinner will still be at 5 or so and palm trees will still be waving in tbe breeze. 

Mummy I miss you and am heartbroken I won’t be hugging you again soon.