medicated me

I had meant to chronicle my medication journey here, both to keep track of things for myself and to perhaps shed some light on issues other people might be having during similarly dark times. But, it hasn't been easy to write. About meds. About life. About where I am, where I've been, what's next. It's interesting, fascinating even that after months and months of being compelled to be here and share everything under the sun, that drive is gone. I don't have much to say.

My life is far less black and white.

Years and years (and years) ago, my therapist told me I had to learn to appreciate the grey, to let go of drama, to not need life to be so extreme all the time. That's sort of what this feels like. And it's ok. It's not great. I miss the rush, being driven, waking up with so much energy I knew I'd whip through my to-do list and accomplish far more than I'd imagined I could. I miss ideas constantly popping into my head. I miss being energized.

Last night I went to sleep at 9:30. I can't think of the last time I did anything like that. This morning I told Jon I imagine this must be what it's like to wake up as a normal person—wanting to drift back to sleep, needing coffee to get going. I'm not sure if this is a side effect of the meds or that perhaps I really am this tired, that it was anxiety pushing me all the time with a false sense of energy and focus.

It's nice to feel calmer, to feel relatively confident I won't spin out of control. I'm nervous about what will happen when I decide to go off the meds. I never, NEVER want to suffer the way I did this spring. But, I don't love always taking something. I feel like I need to put positive, constructive pieces in place to help me hold myself together when things get intense.

And they will. They always will.

No matter how I deal (or don't), life will keep challenging me. Dramas will unfold. Pain will show up. Things will be beyond my control.

It's up to me to find ways to take care of myself.

For now, the meds are helping me find a more stable place to function from. And when it's time, I'll figure out what's next.