Saturday, June 5, 2010

more of the same

I don't have much to say today. I'm just trying to keep it together.

Last night I had a full scale panic attack. Either that or the longest fucking hot flash ever experienced on this planet. My neck and head felt like they were burning from the inside. I broke out in a sweat. I couldn't breathe. Insane pressure. It would subside but start again. Over and over. I did everything I could to ride them out but finally took half a xanax when I couldn't anymore.

It was terrifying.

This whole thing is terrifying. Wondering if I'll be ok again without medication. Wondering if I'll survive on it. Wondering when I'll feel better. If I'll feel better. If this jittery feeling will ever go completely away.

Having said that, I spent much of tonight feeling like myself, which I'm so grateful for. And I woke up this morning happy and content and comfortable.

I wish that for myself all the time.

I wish that for everyone out there struggling.

It gets so hard, so painful, so confusing, so scary at times. But, I truly believe it'll be ok in the end. Sometimes we just need help and have to trust that things will be fine.

Much love peeps.

To better, calmer, happier days.


4 comments:

Bridget said...

Elissa, If you haven't tried acupuncture yet, may I suggest it? I've been through the whole anxiety/panic/depression carnival and know it sucks. Meds can help, but I've found self-regulation therapy (which I do with my LMT) over the past year to be beneficial (info here: http://www.cftre.com/srt.php). I also recently started acupuncture to help treat a shoulder injury and it has seemed to help calm my system overall. A friend in NYC recommends this place, which has a sliding scale (if your insurance won't cover): http://www.cityacuny.com/

Elissa Stein said...

Bridget, thank you—this place looks amazing! I've been thinking once my feet are on solid ground about finding alternatives to meds. I don't plan on doing this long term. What's self regulation therapy?

Julie Mangano said...

I'm so sorry you had a difficult night last night. I suffer from panic/anxiety attacks. I can't say that I've felt like my head was burning, but I do know the feeling that it was about to explode.

It's always worse in the summer, usually when I'm driving and stuck in traffic and start to feel trapped. At times I thought I would jump out of the driver's seat of my car and run away. One time I had to call someone to pick me up -- I was afraid to drive home.

My meds have helped me tremendously. I've only had one panic attack since last August. Maybe you need to talk to the doctor about changing the meds. We all react differently, and what he's prescribed for you might not be quite right.

Try not to be discouraged; finding the right meds will just take time. Be strong, and know that you have many people who care about you.

Word Geek said...

About the only thin I know about anti depression/anxiety meds is that they need at least a month to 'bed in' and either start working or show themselves to be the wrng drugs for you. Absolute pain in the arse. Of all medication that you'd hope would start giving some relief the moment you swallow the first pill. Of all conditions, not particuarly conducive to patience...You'd think they'd come up with something quicker, really.
I guess my point is don't beat yourself up for a) being on the meds in the first place or b) not being immediately and completely 'fixed'. It's a process. Take care of yourself. x