Lately the line between sharing too much information and sharing what's going on in my life has been questionned and at times I wasn't sure exactly where on the spectrum my true feelings fell. Yes, whatever or posts is out there for all to read, process, judge. And yes, I often share topics and thoughts most people don't feel comfortable putting out into the world - at least not in such a public way. But, my road seems to be talking about just those sorts of things, hoping my experiences encourage other people to not keep it all bottled up inside.
I grappled with posting this for a few days (plus there's no wifi where I am and I hadn't been able to blog on my phone) and finally decided, what the hell. The internal battle to get to this place has been extreme and maybe some of you are going through the same thing. Or have been here and can share what's worked or what hasn't.
Today is my 4th day of taking an SSRI for anxiety/depression. There have been many times in my life I think taking something would have been a tremendous help but I was always too scared. That, and I saw it as a sign of personal weakness - that I should be strong enough to hold it together and soldier through, regardless of how bleak or stressful things became.
So, what made this time different? I don't want to suffer so much. Even though I know I always come through these things I don't want to be in this much pain anymore.
I didn't do tons of research. I trusted my doctor, whom I adore, sat with the starter pack for 24 hours and then dove in on Friday. Being so aware of how I feel has made this more intense than it should be. Every moment of lethargy, every time I've been thirsty, anxious, spacey, mellow, every time my stomach's clenched, my head feels woozy, I can't remember a word I blame on the meds. For a person so terrified of change, of letting go, of not being in control, taking something like this is a nightmare.
I'm taking care of myself in a way I never have before. There are moments I'm aware that my jaw's not clenched tight. I sat on the beach yesterday and wasn't compelled to go do anything - just sitting was fine.
Anxiety had alwas been my default mode and I'm thinking/feeling/hoping that I'll discover another way to be.