There. I said it. I'm a sugar addict.
For years (and I'm talking years) I banned sugar from my diet. I was anorexic for more than a decade so I basically banned everything from my diet, sugar being at the top of the list. Carbs and fat too. It got so I didn't miss them and even after getting to a healthier place eating-wise, I still had entire categories I wouldn't dip a toe into. No ice cream, butter, chocolate. It was easier to maintain control that way. I was never an out of control binge eater but when I was younger I could polish off a carton of ice cream, a bag of Milanos, a box of chocolate croissants and didn't want to risk going back there.
Having kids helped me get to a better place about food. The internal battle used to be excruciating. When she was little Iz would offer me a cookie, a lick from her ice cream cone and I'd try to find diplomatic ways to decline. But the problem was two-fold–I was being an unhealthy role-model and I was denying myself. So, over the years, I've eased up tremendously, with caveats in place. I eat chocolate, but only certain kinds. Chocolate sorbet is fine, although gelato is off-limits. I went through a butter love period a few months ago but plumped up quickly and have gone back to olive oil. Cheesecake is ok but most other kinds aren't. I don't eat store bought cookies but scarf down chocolate chunk ones from the health food store. Call it organic and I buy into the fallacy that it's not only low fat and low calorie, but it's good for me (delusional, I know).
But, at this point, it's all about sugar. I can't go to bed without eating something sweet. I drink hot chocolate in the morning, telling myself it's all about the calcium. I stop by the new Italian coffee shop on my way home from yoga for a sorbet a day. Or stop at Tasti D-lite for a cone with sprinkles. I do love sprinkles. I'm addicted to iced coffee with half and half and 2 splendas, just to ramp the delish factor up a bit. When I bake a cake I now, I happily eat the edges off as if those bitty pieces don't count, scrape icing off ice cream cake, devour these mini ice cream cones that don't even call themselves ice cream.
Some days, I'm not sure I'm eating anything but sugar. I haven't weighed this much in years. I went up a pants size for the first time since my 20s. I feel like my body is confused at the constant crashing and cravings.
So, I'm giving sugar up. I'm making a sadhana (40 day commitment) to not eat sweets for 40 days. Yes, I waited until today so I could finish my (low fat) Mother's Day ice cream cake. But, my body needs some nurturing and attention. I've let myself believe that that immediate satisfaction, that sugar high, that in the moment indulgence was good for me after all those years of denial. But, I swung too far.
Wish me luck folks. I've been at this for less than 2 hours and am already having a hard time.