I haven't been on a trip all year and this means so much to him. And at BEA I'm nobody. A faux reporter. I was overwhelmed at all the purposeful people milling about, toting rolling suitcases, carrying stacks of stuff. Waiting for special events. To meet authors.
I'm am author. No one's waiting to meet me.
Last year I came to BEA so excited about FLOW and the thought that this year I'd be someone, a presence, a worthwhile entity. Looking back over the past year it's mind-boggling to remember all that's happened. And yet, at least at BEA I'm in the same place. An anonymous (in a very loud vintage dress) spectator, not a participant.
It's moments like these I want to give up. That I feel like a complete loser. That nothing I've done or accomplished means anything.
I feel like why bother. Maybe field trips are my destiny. Maybe selling potato chips at a middle school play is what I'm meant to be doing. Maybe the universe is telling me, not so subtly, that my ideas aren't worthwhile, that what I put out there isn't worth the effort, that if I was supposed to be writing I wouldn't still be a nobody.
Yesterday I had the most offbeat astrology reading ever. It started out with me making a collage out of NY Times images and then spending 2 plus hours talking about how the images fit together to reflect my current state of mind and my astrological chart. The gist of the conversation, which was actually quite introspective and enlightening, is that I have to learn to put myself first, to nurture, to love, to appreciate and heal. That I can't keep being at the bottom of the list. That my voice, my ideas are supposed to come out into the world and I have to stop stopping that from happening. That the drama of my family is mine too and I have to find ways of letting it go, of stepping away, of emotionally freeing myself from the angst and pain and guilt. That fear is turning me into a seething volcano and I will destroy myself if I don't find a different way to be.
That was yesterday. I came home with glimmers of hope.
Today I was woken up at 6:30 by a very cranky kid freaking out about homework. I left my house at 7:30 to get lost in a sea of people who belong where I don't. I grappled with putting me or my child first and chose, as usual, my child.
This battle is so hard. Roadblocks are constantly thrown at me, keeping me from getting to a better place. I don't know how to not be here. I don't know how to nurture myself.
I don't know how to take care of myself.
I don't know what to do next.
I don't want this journey to always be this hard.