Sunday, May 16, 2010

adding or subtracting

Last time I made a 40 day commitment to something I started writing every day. It often sucked. To find time in my jumbled schedule to take on something new. Some days I'd wake up with an idea and boom - I was all set. Other days I'd barely have time to jot down a few thoughts in a rare moment of quiet in the craziness.

This time I'm giving something up. Taking away a source of comfort, of nurturing, of soothing myself when things are hard. Which they so often are. And after years (and years) of denying myself it's makes this even more challenging. Not that this part is particularly difficult. I've trained myself to for this. I've given up sugar before. Anorexic willpower is a powerful force. Denial is familiar. Comfortable. Easy.

But it's bringing up so much. I haven't been this anxious since I was in my last year of design school, juggling a full time job, my portfolio, 6 workouts a week and a lot of therapy. I've fallen into this bleak place as if time's stopped and there's nothing to look forward to. I cry every day. I feel powerless, hopeless, at times on the edge of a breakdown.

And in wondering, is it worth it? To be in this much pain? Or will I come out the other side with my body in a healthier place and my mind catching up?

I don't know yet.


elizabethonline said...

I think really, in a place like this, you can't resolve this internally until you consider that you're not actually *denying* yourself something and, rather, are giving yourself a gift. I'd put notes around the house for yourself (yes seriously), like inside the bathroom cabinet or whatever, that remind you that you're giving yourself a gift and why you're doing so.

Freedom from sugar. That's a gift. I'd like to hear more about it.

Tony Holmes said...

I gave up smoking for 40 days when I was 35 years old. It was tough. I never smoked a cigarette again. I recently celebrated my 70th birthday. It can work and it is worth it! You have to believe it will do you good.

quin browne said...

This, too, shall pass. It will suck while you are going through it, you will feel you've made a bad decision, temper and emotion will be all over.

What will you end up with? Your body in better shape health wise, the knowledge you did something difficult and succeeded and the understanding you did it for the right reasons.

My thoughts are with you... Do it one step at a time, one day at a time..and, on occasion, one second at a time.

Because, as I said, this, too, shall pass.

thelittlefluffycat said...

I was a gestational diabetic. The first time I got off fairly easily - the second time they called and said, "you can go to the dietician tomorrow or you can go pick up insulin. Pick."

The four months I spent eating on a diabetic plan during that pregnancy changed the lives of our whole family.

I would say go and see a dietician, and talk about how to manage, not just sugar, but your blood sugar. When I keep my blood sugar level, it makes me calmer, more efficient; life is less of a roller-coaster. My kids (the older one has mild asperger's) eat, for the most part, with an eye toward managing their sugar. It helps them, and they know it. My husband even eats that way - it means he can get through the work day better.

Our systems need sugar to function - but great gobs of it turns our brains into express elevators. They may go up for a while - but there's always somebody in the basement with their finger on the button, and the car moves just as fast in that direction.

Hang in there. Get yourself some backup. You can do this, and you and your family will be better off for it. :)

MrsWhich said...

I'm meditating on this recent revelation: it's never been about what I deny, it's always about what I choose to accept. Slow & steady...