Thursday, May 6, 2010

nothing but seething

I am so filled with rage right now, I'm shaking. If someone blew on me, I'd burst into burning tears or a violent scream would let loose from somewhere deep down. 

I can't unclench my jaw. I can't stop the spin in my head from hyperdrive. I can't let deep breaths into my lungs. 

I feel alternately resentful, irritated, angry, annoyed, put upon, self-recriminating, frustrated, pissed.

I am tired of self-righteous people who blithely judge me when I'm doing the best I know how to do. Of the throngs of people mucking up my neighborhood, inadvertently pushing my child off the sidewalk while they clog up intersections with too many shopping bags. Of family responsibilities that are overwhelming at this point. Of not having enough money to disappear for a few hours and get a massage that would work this permanent knot out of my shoulder. Of needing to hide in the bathroom to talk on the phone because there's no where else to go. Of the crank and whine show that often takes over my house.

I've had it with state tests that work my kids up into a frenzy over something that shouldn't have that much weight. Of birthday expectations. Of being the organizer of everything for everyone. Of needing to be at the supermarket at 7:15 because I didn't go last night and there was stuff I needed.  Of other people's mistakes and misjudgments destroying things in my life. Of people saying they'll be there at a certain time and not showing.

I can't take more unknowns. Not knowing what to do, how to help, where to turn in situations that are beyond me and aren't necessarily solvable. 

All I can say is this better be hormones. The faint glimmer that things will shift and this will disappear is all that's holding me together at the moment. 


quin browne said...

I'm looking to move back... need an assistant/nanny? I'm cheap.

And really good at taking care of people.

Either way, major hugs to you (if it makes you laugh, I typed that as major jugs to you by mistake)

Michelle said...

Hang in there, honey! All mothers get overwhelmed; it seems to get worse as our kids get older too. Know that you are not alone, and sometimes, it is okay to scream or take some time to let go of some stress.

Elissa Stein said...

Thank you guys. Knowing I'm not alone helps. As for an assistant . . . I'll need help on my new book.

quin browne said...

I'm yours.

Did I mention I was cheap?

PS Irony time. My word verification was bling. AHAHA!

Marinka said...

I know exactly how you feel. Except I'm worried that in my case it is hormones and that I'm looking at another decade of it.