Wednesday, May 19, 2010

unexpected options

It's been a rough fews days.

It's been a rough few months.

I wake up not sure how I'll get through the day.

My drive is gone.

My creativity is a distant memory.

My enthusiasm shows up in short bursts when usually it's my status quo.

I'm not used to this bleakness, this sadness, being on the edge of tears, ready to plunge into anxiety at any moment.

I'm usually juggling more things at one time than I can even list. Now my laundry's been sitting in the corner for days and I can't quite seem to get it done. Or clean my desk. Send out invoices. Thank you notes. Write a book.

I had breakfast with one of my closest friends I've managed to shut out for months and realized, as I finally started talking about all that's been going on, that I need help. It doesn't make me stronger to soldier through and suffer this much. If there's something I can take to get me past this, take the edge off, help me cope until I can handle it all from a better place, that's what I need to do.

Medication scares the shit out of me. But at this point the thought of feeling like myself again instead of this, is a tiny light at the end of this grey tunnel.


Alexis said...

The thing that I always have to remind my self of is that no one is going to give a reward at the end of my life for enduring misery. If you need help, get help! Whatever form that help might take, the important thing is that you do not need to feel the way you are feeling right now!
And, while I think that giving up sugar is in general a good idea, maybe now is not the time for you to make such a drastic change in your life. Be gentle with yourself!

MrsWhich said...

Walking on a damaged leg without a crutch would be considered irresponsible and would likely result in more, possibly permanent, damage.

I only have one practical suggestion from my own recent experience. Can you find one unacceptable possibility that you must accept as possible, but have been resisting, and work through to acceptance? The process, for me, has burned away 2/3 of my anxiety for the moment. Not pleasantly done, it's true. It was not my choice.

I can't help thinking that practicing acceptance of unacceptable truths that don't cut so close to the bone can still be very strong experiential practice for releasing the anxiety.