Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Anger hurts but even more, it makes you want to hurt. Scream. Destroy. Make someone else suffer as much as you are. And what's really screwed up is that initial anger comes from fear/frustration/disappointment/sadness/any and everything unresolved that evolves into that rage, that insanity, that meanness burning through your body, your brain, your sanity.
Is it worse to be the angry one or the anger recipient? They both suck. Feeling angry is so destructive on the inside, once you can see how it twists your brain. But when you're in it you can't stop. You just attack. And that poor person in your path is nothing but a target. A target who is kicked behind the knees and thrown into a hurricane of emotional violence. How nasty can you get? How low can you hit? How much pain can you cause? How long can you torture? How much blame can you heap on someone else?
Is there anyone out there who can withstand that attack and stay centered and be helpful? There are people in my life who expect that of me, but it's impossible. How can I not feel and be hurt? And then, how can I help a person in pain when they're hating me? It's not possible to be rational when that force is unleashed. The unfairness of it all makes me crazy. I get pissed. Really super pissed. And then it's a free-for-all that's impossible to escape.