Today is hard

School is out and I miss my routines. I crave order, structure, schedule. I don't do well staring down nothing. Emptiness. Vistas of unplanned time.

I miss my coffee shop. It closed for good 2 days ago. I miss chatting with the kids behind the counter, talking politics, religion, Lady Gaga vs Madonna.

I miss the friends that have slipped away.

I miss the concrete, set in stone, guaranteed days and dates I knew I'd be with people.

I miss psycho knitting even though it's been ages since we met.

I miss Joe Jrs, the diner across the street. It closed a year ago tomorrow and I still ache when I walk past the empty storefront. There was never a time I went by when someone didn't wave at me. And now it's an empty shell.

I miss my Tuesday/Thursday yoga classes that were the cornerstones of my week. A year out and I still haven't established a regular routine to take their place.

I miss pizza night, wildberry lemonades and having a separate kid table.

I miss the people who listened to me most.

I miss the friends I recently made who've already left town for the summer.

I miss being lost in a project. I miss ideas, thoughts, plans spinning in my head. I miss that excitement. I even miss the disappointment.

I miss emails and phone calls and plans.

I miss being engaged in something, anything, feeling needed, wanted.

I miss feeling relevant. Important.

Connected.

I miss being a part of something.

Today is hard.

Today I feel lost, floating aimlessly with nothing concrete in sight. And I know, deep down, that the only way I'm going to find what's next is to dig in and make it happen myself.

But I can't seem to do that yet.