Thursday, July 15, 2010

the past 4 months

I realized yesterday that it's only been 4 months since FLOW had its media frenzy, that I was on The View, Fox News, that I was quoted in the Times. That sales seemed to be sky rocketing. That interviews were plentiful. That every day people were writing, talking, blogging about my book.

I thought FLOW would be my game changer, the project that would take me to the next level.

Nope.

But that's not what I was planning on writing about. In these past 4 months so much, too much has happened. I've had to juggle so many disparate things. I've been processing other people's healthy scares and issues, both emotional and physical, failing businesses, my own loss of work as budgets are slashed and clients disappear. I took on a PTA presidency in a school that needs tremendous support without having done anything like this before. I've lost touch with friends who meant the world to me and were a part of my daily life. One ended our relationship with a blunt email saying we'd never be in touch again. Another two have disappeared and are rarely heard from. I've gotten into the best shape of my life but now have to sit still waiting for an injury to heal. I turned 46. I celebrated my 22nd anniversary. My oldest is almost a teenager. We got a puppy.

I am lonely. I don't know who my friends are anymore. Everything seems to be shifting, changing. It all could be for the better but nothing's happening to fill the void yet.

I have no projects going. This is the first time in almost 10 years I'm not frantically pulling something together.

I have to deal with the fact that no one's particularly interested in what's next from me and even though I go into everything jaded, grounded in reality, the disappointment from FLOW is profound.

Anxiety toppled me and I couldn't get out from under it. So now I'm on meds for the first time in my life, despite a significant phobia about medication.

It's felt like every day has brought new drama, new hurt, new struggle.

At this point I feel less sure of what to do next than I ever have.

My foundation has crumbled. My belief in my ability to accomplish has eroded into nothing. My support systems have disappeared and I'm not very good right now at building myself back up from the ashes.

Ok, that was perhaps a bit too dramatic.

And yet, I'm not miserable. In fact, I'm ok.

Perhaps it's not all about accomplishment, about being as busy as possible, about nonstop doing. Maybe I'm learning how to be. Maybe it's ok to process for awhile. Maybe my faith will come back that there's more for me to do.

I'm not sure at the moment.

But I'm ok with that too.

3 comments:

Raven said...

Whew. The slate sure is wiped clean.

You will create in a way you've never known before. I'll put money on it.

;)
Raven

janflora said...

I understood this very well. I am on a similar wavelength, sans publication. I admire your bravery in sharing because I cannot even say these things out loud. Please, know this post is inspiring and I do believe it will all be for the better. This is a time of changes and it takes awhile...at least that is what I tell myself :)
PS: I am interested in the aging book you are working on! :)

Marisa Birns said...

Yes, I have learned from so many other writers that felt a tremendous let down after a project they thought would be the game changer, changed it in unexpected and rather not welcomed ways.

It is very okay to process for a while.

I have found that things will get better, even if we can't imagine how THAT will happen. :)