There's less jaw-clenching. I'm less fearful. Anxiety's still there at times but it doesn't take over. My head isn't spinning with constant thoughts, worries, ideas and that's both good and bad. I realize that much of my creativity, passion, drive came straight from that over abundance of frenetic energy.
At the moment, I'm ok with it.
I went on this crazy 25 mile bike ride. Without meds, I never would have made it through the first night at the cycling B&B in the middle of nowhere. Cars flying by me at 60 miles an hour would have had me shaking. Riding through backroads with not a soul in sight for miles would have reduced me to tears. Being so far away from the civilization I'm comfortable with would have been too much for me to bear. There were moments when I thought I'd lose it.
But I didn't.
In fact just being on a bike in the city is huge for me. My bike was a birthday present last year and its wheels barely touched pavement. Now? Can't wait to head out on the road again.
We're getting a puppy. Even though we've flirting with the idea for seemingly years, I knew I'd never accept the responsibility, the extra work. And yet here I am.
Our summer is remarkably unstructured. Instead of all camp all the time, there are weeks the kids are home with me. And it's fine (so far, we'll see how long that lasts).
I gave up sugar and don't have that need to soothe myself with chocolate sorbet anymore. I don't have to get lost in something because the hear and now is far more comfortable than it used to be.
These posts are less gut-wrenching and while I miss hearing back from people with thoughtful support, it's a relief not to be in so much pain.
I do miss having a project to dig deep into. I miss losing myself in something, feeling that flow, having ideas pop into my head and needing to turn them into reality.
But I'm hoping that will come back.
It's nice to be me with the volume turned down a bit, to not be caught up in constant drama, to discover living in the grey isn't as boring as I thought it would be.
And, I suppose, even though the writing, creative, brainstorming me is on hiatus, the bike-riding, puppy loving, trying new things me is getting some time in the spotlight.