Sunday, July 25, 2010

it's not me

I am who I am. Messy. Complicated. Melodramatic at times. Far easier than I used to be but sometimes still rigid. My expectations aren't high, to me, but to others perhaps I expect too much. I'm a good listener. Am as supportive as I possibly can be. I want to help whenever/however I can. I am enthusiastic. Motivated. Involved. Anxious. Neurotic at times. Driven, although lately that seems to have taken a back seat to mellow contentment. I have excellent manners. I can be needy at times but only when something's being held out for me as if it's a promise and then it never comes through.

I hurt. But I don't hold grudges.

I don't change. Not really.

But people around me do and I'm not sure why love turns to hate. Interest turns to distain. Friendships fade or disappear with no explanation.

And then, sometimes, things swing back the other way and I'm left reeling, confused, not sure what made the difference.

Why do I bother trying to make things better?

Why am I the one who continually has to forgive and accept?

Why do I still hurt when I've been here so many times?

Will I ever be able to shrug my shoulders and move on?

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