Today in yoga my bright light teacher talked about powerful commitments, dedicating yourself to something so completely, so whole-heartedly, so deeply you are compelled, driven to make it a reality. Believing in something so much with every ounce of your being, you have no choice but to take it as far as you possibly can and then some. And, if you don't feel that way about what you think is your direction, your project, your goal, set it on fire and let it go.
My head exploded. My heart felt lighter than it has in too long.
Let it go.
A quick tangent . . . much to my delight, my honor, my thrill, she used me as an example—how I'd written a book and did everything within my power to share it with the world. And how after the constant talking, emailing, facebooking, blogging, tweeting, working, believing, I ended up on The View. Trust me, that was something so far beyond anything I could have imagined, but there I was, because I poured my soul into something I believed needed to be out in the world.
Now back to the exploding head.
I don't feel that way about anything right now. FLOW flowed through me. It was something that was meant to be. I was a conduit to start a conversation that was long overdue. I fought so damn hard to make it happen. I literally poured blood into that project. I've never worked for so many months on the edge of a breakdown. I've never doubted myself so much. I've never been so proud. I've never had opportunities and experiences like the ones that came my way for having written it.
I don't need to do it again.
On one hand, it didn't change my life profoundly. No one's knocking on my door with brilliant offers. My day to day is basically the same as it's always been. On the other hand, I've grown more than I knew I could, I would. Having lived the hype, the frenzy, the roller coaster I know, deep down, I don't need that to make me happy.
Once was fine.
Once was a dream.
Struggling to recapture it isn't my path.
Having said that, yet again, I have no idea what the hell my path is. Yet again, I'm staring down emptiness. Yet again, I don't know what to do next.
This time though, I'm standing in a place of contentment, of pride, of accomplishment. I made my dream project a reality.
That was my icing. What's next will be the chocolate sprinkles.