waiting is the hardest part

I think Tom Petty's song is my new mantra. I'm waiting. 2 more weeks of waiting until the book comes out. As if FLOW's on sale date holds some sort of magical appeal. Like the sun will rise, with crimson streaks flooding the sky. People all over the world will double over with honorary cramps. There will be a marked rise in unexplained bloating and breakouts. Chocolate sales will go through the roof. An unexplained eclipse will appear midday, and all will be forced into bookstores as a giant circle obliterates the sun. There will be a cosmic shift and everyone will only be talking about FLOW.

Slightly grandiose? Absolutely. But I'd prefer spinning insane stories, to the actual reality. A friend, who's a well-known writer, calls this pre-publication holding pattern the wait before the wait. I know this part. I've been here before. This is when I'd love some blind faith. That good things will happen. The universe is on my side. That putting positive thoughts out there brings back positive result. When I was a kid I was impressed by, and also jealous of the whole Christian mindset. Pray for what you want and you'll get it. Confess your sins and you'll be forgiven. There's the benevolent guy out there just waiting to listen to you and make your problems go away. The whole Jesus thing seemed so cool to my 10-year-old self. But it was the belief, implacable and rock solid that I yearned for. I'll be honest here, it was that and Christmas trees. Easter candy. Oh, and getting to miss part of school on Ash Wednesday and then walking around all afternoon marked, as if you were part of a cool club.

I'm still yearning a bit. Embracing the unknown sounds great, but honestly, I'd rather have a clue. Just an inkling that things will turn out all right in the end. It would be great if I had a vision (yes, I know, more grandiosity), a dream, an angel appeared, a strange man knocked at my front door (actually, the doorman would buzz him up first) with a prophecy. Hey, I could visit an oracle. Have my tarot cards read. A quick aside: I love having my cards read. The most memorable statement I've heard so far was from a reading when I was pregnant with Iz. The woman told me that I would eventually have a boy and that he'd be a dentist. My mother was thrilled at the thought of a professional in the family.

But, back to the yearn. I have to be ok with no answers, no guarantees, and just keeping putting myself and my ideas out there. You never know.

Day 28 is reservedly hopeful.