Yesterday someone left a slightly scathing message after one of my blog posts. I had been writing about the seemingly endless things I do and they posted, "oh please, get over yourself." Short. Snappy. Snarky.
I've been trying to write about it this morning, but while these blog posts usually flow easily, I've been stuck. And I just realized, I don't want to play into someone else's negativity by playing out the whole scene again. I already did that. Last night. I let myself get caught up in self-doubt and flagellation for awhile. The thing is, I don't need someone else to send me there, I do quite a good job of it myself, thank you very much. I was brought up with a not-so-healthy dose of Jewish superstition, in which thinking positive thoughts could bring destruction in their wake. My mother, who learned it from her mother, would say "kenahura" and spit after any particularly constructive statement, as if to ward off jinxes that would spiral you and your happy thoughts to the pit of despair. For me, it's automatic. Instead of seeing a glass half empty or half full, I was brought up to worry about knocking the glass over and breaking it. I was trained never to voice things like, "I feel great," or "I know I'll get this job" because vocalizing those statements would unleash a chain of vengeance to put me back in my place, or worse, punish me for even having said them. I used to imagine almost harpy-like creatures, just waiting to teach me a lesson about being too over-confident.
But, that's a really horrendous way to go through life. It's basically the opposite of "The Secret" and all those new put-positive-thoughts-out-into-the-universe-and-everything-you've-ever-wanted-will-be-yours books. So, I'm working toward a middle ground. Not puffing myself up so much I resemble the Michelin man, but being open and acknowledging what I do, in a good way. Which leads me to this thought—women, particularly mothers, don't get to do that very often. So often what we do is wrapped up in other people. Their accomplishments or failures, projects and temper tantrums. I've been writing books for years now, but most people in my day to day life have no idea. I have design clients and projects, but kept that all very quiet. I efficiently compartmentalize my life, making sure nothing from one part spills into another.
Last year I invited a friend to come with me to my yoga studio—it's a big part of my life that no one else knows about. And it was really, really strange. It's a completely different set of friends. I'm a different person there. Blurring those edges wasn't easy. And now, I'm blurring all over the place. FLOW is forcing me to break down the walls between various parts of my life, hey, of me, and start mixing and matching. It's hard. I'm generally a very private person, who doesn't share much of myself and here I am opening up all over the place. And that opens me up to criticism.
So. Bring it on ps41 parent. And anonymous for that matter. It's all part of my learning curve.
Day 23. Introspective but with a positive ending.