Wednesday, October 21, 2009

ego changes

I used to spontaneously wake up ridiculously early, full of energy and drive and pep. Honestly, it drove my husband crazy, as he's just not a morning person. But I've been finding lately, neither am I. No, that's not true. I have more motivation at 7 than most people do and can seriously pull it all together, but it's not as automatic anymore.

I have two theories. One. I'm getting older. Which doesn't really fit because I've always thought that when you get older, you need less sleep. Two. I stay up too late. That's logical. I never get to sleep before 12 these days, so suddenly 6:30 comes way too fast. Three (oops, so much for my two theories . . . see? My brain's not clicking yet). It's hard to get up and go before the sun's come out and the floor's are freezing. Could be seasonal. And four. I'm less anxious than I used to be.

That's an interesting theory. How can I be less anxious? I have this huge (hopefully) book coming out in less than three weeks. I juggle more than I ever have before. I'm putting myself, on purpose, into the spotlight, something that's always made me unbearably uncomfortable. But I'm not feeling the pull of that inner whirl the way I used to. There always used to be that extra voice in my head, commenting, on my every move. Hey, on my every thought. Not in a Sybil kind of way, in an ego kind of way. That voice has generally negative, judgmental, it filled me with doubt and thrived on angst. It was the driving force of my eating disorder—that voice would beat me up for eating extra lettuce or having another can of diet Pepsi before the scheduled time. This is the part of me that would put on clothes that were too tight, just to prove how much of a failure I was. The voice that expressed my fears and doubts, anxiety and shame.

Yesterday in yoga, my teacher asked what thoughts hold us back. I just realized that my inner voice holds me back—grasping tight to all those negative mindsets and wraps me up tight in them. And it's losing power. At least in the short term.

Maybe I'm evolving. Maybe the years of yoga are sinking in. Maybe I just too tired and busy to process it all. It's nice though, to not judge myself so harshly.

Day 23 is short and sweet and now it's time to get back to regularly scheduled programming.


Ching Ya said...

First visit here and enjoy reading your latest post. Not sure do you still remember me, we met on Twitter actually. ^^

Truth is, we are easily affected by negativeness. It's so easy to give in and not persevere; to be angry rather to forgive and so on. Age may help us to see things clearly and thoroughly, based on experiences and all. Still it's down to us to decide how we wish to handle our obstacles or problems.

May we all live through the day with optimistic and joyful spirit. ^^

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Gordon and Silber, P.C. said...

The Buddha would probably say that by recognizing, noting and writing about that inner voice you are neutralizing it. Whether by age, experience, yoga, you are becoming more present and therefore more free from anxiety. You are probably sleeping more because the voice is losing its power to wake you.