Today in yoga my teacher talked about how important it is to let go of those negative thoughts that so easily take over and concentrate on positive ones. And how hard it is to do that. Almost impossible at times. I had to laugh—negativity is often lurking at my edges, waiting to drown me and how very often, it does. It was particularly topical because I shouldn't have been there. My body's not ready. Nothing like an injury to spiral one down to a place of despair and utter frustration.
So, there I was, in the back of the room, knowing there was no way in hell I would be able to turn my limitations and pain into something good to write home about.
As soon as my hand hit the floor pain shot through my palm and up to my elbow. It was worse than Monday's misguided attempt to take class. That left me unable to do down dogs, planks, updogs, arm balances . . . the entire beginning of class was a wash. Not to mention that my left leg doesn't bend all the way and I have bruising from my knee well into my shin, along with scabs and scrapes at surface level. That took out any crescent moons, hero poses, child's pose which is generally the most innocuous position you can be in. But not for me. I tried doing poses on my closed fist instead but that was too much too. Sun salutations were a no go.
The spin had me. Would I ever recover? Would I be able to practice comfortably again? Would I gain weight now that I'm so limited? Did everyone else in the room think I was so awful at yoga I couldn't do anything.
Somewhere on the edges of that I felt the crisp, cool breeze from the overhead fans.
We got to some poses I could do. Triangles. Half moons. Rotations.
My spine reveled in the movement. I was aware of how my arms moved through space, about extension, about length, about line.
I noticed the cool tones of the room, purple, green, blue, sun streaming in through the edges of silk curtains.
The all blues soundtrack lulling me into mellowness.
By the time I was lying in goddess pose, blocks under my knees when people turned themselves up side down I was nothing but delighted to be there. And shavasana - corpse pose - lying flat on my back, music washing over me, letting go of everything but that moment?
I walked out of class content. Satisfied. Happy. In spite of how limited I was.
I could have dwelled on all I couldn't do. But somehow was able to let go and appreciate what I could.
Thank you Joanne.