Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Healing part 2

This morning I'm going to have my hand x-rayed. I'm pretty sure nothing's going on that needs more attention but there's a pain in my palm that's not getting better. In fact, after going to yoga way sooner than I should have I ended my day with pain shooting up to my elbow, radiating into my fingers.

My leg still aches. Amazingly more bruises are appearing, more swelling is occurring, I still wince when I crouch down and heat sears my knee.

Yes I'm still grateful. Grateful it wasn't worse. Grateful I didn't face plant. Grateful I was able to ride home in one piece. But the longer it takes to heal the more nervous I am about riding again.

Deep sigh.

I'm afraid to go fast. To let go. To fly. To zip up the river and forget everything but the wind and the sun and the light glinting off the water. I'm scared I'll fall, that someone will clip me, that I'll hit a rock, a crack, something will slip me up.

After not being scared it hurts more to be back here. I'd let go of the fear that gripped me, held me hostage for most of my life, kept me from exploring, trying, stretching.

I don't want to be back here.

But I'm not sure I can't get out again.

1 comment:

The Plush Gourmet said...

You will get it back and it will be better and wilder and freer than you can imagine. Why? Because you won't be the you that didn't know what could happen. You're not the crash dummy virgin any more. Now you will be the you that knows what might, could, maybe happen, and rides faster than the wind anyway because the high is so much higher when the fear is conquered and rides on your shoulder as heightened awareness.

How do I know this stuff? Because there isn't a flavor of dirt I haven't tasted. I have come off of horses in every possible way. Flown off so high that I actually had time to dread coming down. Come off so fast that I truly did not know how I got on the ground. And yes things got broken. Things got strained and sprained and bruised beyond belief. Getting back on is hard. Getting back on is the only way to live - you will do it and you will go FAST! hugs :)