Wednesday, April 21, 2010

why am I here?

I had fully intended to delve deep today and start working on why I'm here. Yesterday I had the true pleasure slash honor of meeting Lissa Rankin in person and brainstorming about what it is we're here for. What messages we're meant to share. What our calling is.

She is a game changer. A bright light. A person so in her groove that pieces seem to be easily falling into place for her.

I'm not that.

When confronted with her deep belief in herself, her assumption all would work out, hearing about the support, the like-minded people she's surrounded by, the opportunities appearing, the doors opening, I was jealous. No, that's not the right word. I was delighted to hear how good things could be. It made me quiet, because that's not what it's been for me.

I struggle. I'm not sure why I'm here, what my message is, if I have a message.

I doubt myself. I don't own who I am/what I do.

Deep inside, I still think of myself as not good enough, an amateur, a poser. Because, if I was not that, more would be happening.

Agents aren't knocking on my door. Publishers aren't asking me what's next. No one is interested in writing about me or what I'm writing about. There are blips of interest on the edge of a world wide radar that send slight ripples through cyberspace and then disappear too quickly to resonate.

And that's ok. No one said this road was easy. Somehow, in my life, I always end up on a path that's all about breaking new ground. Being somewhere not so many people have been before. I can't look out and say oh, I want to be like this or that person because I haven't found someone who does what I do. In the way I do it.

Add to that that I'm still figuring out what it is that I do and you get the picture.

Tomorrow can be about figuring out my calling. Today is about taking time to be ok about not knowing.

1 comment:

MrsWhich said...

There's a reason we're classmates together right now - we are at such a similar point in our growth. I so envy people with clear purpose. I want to strangle people when they say "you just have to find your passion and go with it." What if I don't have one driving passion? I think maybe the assumption that the life purpose is there and I just have to find it is like assuming there is only one possible true love in the world to wait for.