evolving relationships

I've never been good at long-term relationships. I don't have people in my life that I've known since I was five, from growing up, from high school or college. Since becoming a parent I've forged relationships that have lasted longer than my usual ones, but those are shifting and floating away as kids get older and life changes. I had hoped at this point, we'd have a circle of people we'd go on vacation with, celebrate occasions with, who'd have our family's back, but that wasn't meant to be either. I suppose I could spend years in therapy getting to the bottom of it but at this point in my life, I'm ok with it. Most of the time. 

And yet, for all the above, I grapple with change every time I'm confronted with it. Especially when it comes to relationships. Every once in awhile I meet someone who has a profound effect on me, the kind that can't last long term no matter how much I want it to. Perhaps it's a specific experience we share together, a bond that's forged to help keep us sane when things are falling apart. Someone to counterbalance huge growth when I can't handle it all myself. They show up, we share, and then everyone moves on. 

I hate the moving on. 

If I step back and look at the bigger picture, there's a pattern. A pattern of connection, meant-to-be-ness, gifts from the universe at times and of course, the inevitable pain when the magic is gone. 

I'm thinking maybe this lesson is appreciating it in the moment and letting go when it's over. 

You (I) can't go back. 

You (I)  can't re-experience what was so special at a distinct time and place, no matter how much you (I) want to.

I talked to a friend last night, a friend I've never met in person, but someone I had almost daily contact with for months and months. We talked, skyped, google chatted, emailed, tweeted, sometimes many of the above on the same day. And then, he was gone. For a month. He's popped in to say his life is dramatically changing and he's going to be impossible to reach for awhile. That I'll be proud of him, but he can't say what's going on. 

Total blank slate from someone I'd come to think of as a really close friend. This was my go-to FLOW person. The person who gave me advice, listened when I was panicked, pointed me in saner directions when I couldn't see where I was supposed to be. He was my self-appointed mentor, my guru, my media expert. At the same time, his life was in a dramatic flux. I suppose the constant contact gave him grounding while everything else was being ripped apart. But, as with all these seemingly profound relationships I find myself in, it was seemingly over. This time with no warning. He just disappeared. 

I was hurt, confused, furious, rejected. How was I supposed to be ok when I'd relied on this person during such a challenging time? I loved having someone there to support, to listen, to advise. I've been searching for that my entire life.

(insert lightbulb here)

Ok folks, I just got it. It's not about him. Or any of these people who come in and shake me up. It's learning that love, that trust, that belief can be found on the inside. That I just have to accept that it's there and let it flow.*

*Full disclosure. Just as I finished typing that sentence, my missing friend called. We talked for an hour and finished the conversation talking about what I had just written. 

Damn. When you're open, there are remarkable things to be seen.

Thank you Santiago.