Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What ifs

What if this is it?

What if I hit my pinnacle and the rest is a slow slide into oblivion?

What if I didn't try hard enough and the universe said screw you, we're giving it to someone more deserving?

What if FLOW was my one shot?

What if I just talk about WRINKLE but never actually write it?

What if nobody cares?

What if no one pays attention?

What if I can't muster up the bright side, half full point of view?

What if I don't believe in myself anymore?


MrsWhich said...

What if we're feeling the same things at the same time? Is that why we're in this class together? Maybe we can help each other. The hopeless futility feels so vast.

Elissa Stein said...

When I get lost in the black hole, it's terrifying. Fortunately, those moments don't last too long anymore. But I hear you and I'm here to say you're doing amazing things on so many levels.

LPC said...

Well, we're all moms, so we know what if. We just get out of bed:). No alternative. Do you all find that succumbing to doubt, despair, and anxiety helps? Is it better to give in and recover? Or to keep it suppressed, always, for the most part?

Elissa Stein said...

I succumb in the moment but it never lasts very long. It can't—you're right. Someone else always needs something and that usually has to come first. Perhaps that's why the depth is so deep. I don't often have a chance to visit.

MrsWhich said...

For the most part, I divert my mind, pat my anxiety on the head with a "there, there, but we don't have time for this right now," and get on with life. But I also look for chances to do a partial decompress - like using a workout time to also process emotionally, or allowing myself to feel sad if I stay home for half a day sick in bed. If I don't have a chance for a full decompress - a full day without responsibility when I can just be - I start getting a bit frantic.

LPC said...

I sometimes wonder if my usual cheerful chatter to myself doesn't take its toll. Whether if I had the nature to crash it might be more productive in the long run.

Elissa Stein said...

No! I'd much rather not crash and burn if I didn't have to. Having said that though, I know my ups and downs are where creativity comes from. For me. I often wish it didn't have to be that way.

MrsWhich said...

For years I denied the crashes but they came anyway - in snapping at loved ones, in sudden bouts of impatience, in stress and weight gain, in over-indulgence/ deprivation patterns, and in slow self-realization and growth.

I'm highly controlled and felt it out of nature to crash, but I'm learning how to do it well and privately, like I had to learn how to fall in order to figure skate well.

It's not all okay, and that's okay. A safe time and place to work through that might be helpful, but without an opportunity to create a safe time and place, holding it all in and exercising control seem the only ways to get by. I think every person is different and my coping patterns change as I develop and change.

Sorry to ramble...