Saturday, December 4, 2010

letting go of toxic

We all have things in our lives that aren't good for us: habits, relationships, situations. And they can be close to impossible to let go of.

Right now, in my life, it's time to let go. This week, in particular, the conversation keeps appearing—with friends, in yoga, in what I'm reading, talking, thinking about.

There are small things, like relying on chocolate in moments of frustration or spending money at etsy for things I really don't need. I've actually been doing far too much shopping lately. It's an old old habit that resurfaces when life gets to be a bit much. At this point my goal is to get rid of more than I take in, yet I've got enough yarn for at least 5 more projects and did I really need to order two more of the exact same umbrella?

That's not toxic though.

Toxic is when these things make you doubt yourself, make you hate yourself, make you feel so badly you're not sure exactly who you are anymore.

That's what I'm trying to let go of.

This week I went back to yoga. In spite of the pain and the healing that's still going on. I had to let go of being angry at myself—angry at what I can't do. Frustration at needing to take it easy. Embarrassment and discomfort at people watching me not participate. Most likely they barely notice but I feel (felt) like a loser for standing instead of moving. It was almost impossible to be there and be ok. Every class though is getting easier. I can do what I do and I'm learning to accept and be grateful for that. It's more than I could do 2 months ago, or even last week.

I'm letting go.

This week I also let go of relationships that caused pain and disappointment for years. By the end of a day or increasingly insulting and hurtful emails in which I was called, along with many other things, a has-been-want-to-be-who-never-was crazy bitch (those are actually from 2 different emails but I'm using creative license here), I finally was able to open my eyes and see the truth. Not what I hoped would happen. Not what used to be. What is.

The what is, the truth, is so often hard to accept. It's not what you want. It's not what you deserve. It's not what you'd wish for your worst enemy. But, sitting with reality and coming to terms with it is far healthier than holding on to illusions that are just that. Yearning for the past or the different or somewhare else than wherever you are.

And in those moments of clarity, sometimes there's acceptance. And letting go is far easier than you think it would be.

I feel freer right now. Lighter. Less burdened. Reality may not be what I wanted, but it's better than living where I was.

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