Monday, March 15, 2010

the target on my back

Yesterday I wrote about not having anything to write about anymore. Apparently the muses of blogging found that amusing and sent me so much inspiration last night I couldn't sleep. At 4, as I laid there, trying desperately to stop the outrageous spin that had completely taken over my mind, I realized the night before The View had been uneventful. Live TV doesn't particularly phase me. But live drama? My mind, my shoulder, my stomach are so knotted up I'm on the verge of pain spasms.

But I can't write about what's knotting me up.

What I can say is there are people in your life you expect to have your back, hey, that you pay to have your back, and it doesn't always turn out that way.

I can say that I'm a really nice person, or at least I try to be. I've been told I'm a pleasure to work with. I'm really good at what I do. I never miss a deadline. I put energy and thoughtfulness and creativity into whatever I take on. I always say thank you and appreciate what's done on my behalf.

I can also say I have exceedingly high expectations and if I'm working with people who don't live up to their end of the bargain, in whatever way, I've got a dark side. Not malicious, not psycho, but I ride hard until things work out the way they're supposed to.

Sometimes that doesn't happen.

Sometimes there are different agendas.

Sometimes people aren't transparent, don't share information, make random decisions for me/about me without consulting me.

Sometimes I've been ignored to the point of fading into faded wallpaper in spite of the fact I knew more about what was going on than anyone else at the table.

Sometimes I've worked with people who are so sure they're right that I must automatically be wrong. Having said that, I'm thinking sometimes I'm the one holding fast to my rightness and that must be frustrating to deal with from the other side.

Sometimes there is no solution. No upside. No possibilities of making things better, finding a work around, establishing a truce.

Then what?

That's today. Figuring out what to do when something's unfixable.

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