Sunday, March 14, 2010

and I do this because . . .

I've been writing just about every day since October. One of my yoga teachers had talked in class about a sadhana, a 40 day commitment to something, the theory being that after 40 straight days whatever it is you had taken on would be part of your routine. I'd tried writing on a regular basis off and on for longer than I can remember, but it never lasted more than a day or two. This has. I'm well into my 6th month, only having missed time when I was away over Christmas and I was actually proud of myself that I could relax enough to not have to be chained to my laptop while on a cruise ship.

I've tried to commit to 40 days of other things. Walking up 10 flights of stairs once a day (honestly, I don't think I ever really planned to do it), to not eat sugar or white flour (again, it sounded good but who am I kidding), working on a FLOW thing a day, but nothing's captured my imagination.

The thing is, I don't think I have anything to say anymore.

I've shared my fears, my thoughts, my angst, my dreams. My frustrations, my experiences, my doubts, my past.

I'm getting a bit bored with me.

I imagine other people are too.

I've gotten much more comfortable as a writer through this blog. Just recently, I've even gotten comfortable calling myself a writer. In fact, this week I've stopped saying I'm a stay at home mom who happens to write books on the side. It's time to stop belittling what I do. Even I realized how ridiculous that sounded. I was on national TV, talking about my book, being thanked by Whoopi for writing it, a book that took just about everything out of me, that I'd tried for 15 years to make happen, and still, I'd apologize for not really being a writer. As if the idea, the work, the drive, the insanity, the creativity fell into my lap by accident.

I don't want to doubt myself the way I have my whole life. This blog has been a remarkable venue for exploring all that.

Will there be anything left to say if I'm not beating myself up every morning?

Will anyone be interested in reading that?

Will I be interested in writing it?


Christopher said...

I write about my writing doubts all the time. When I started my blog it was an exercise. Now I realize it is as mush a part of my daily writing day as my novel writing is.

Caroline said...

I will certainly be interested in reading it and I HOPE you will still be interested in writing here. I am certain this new found lack of self-doubt will be something worthy of exploring and sharing. In case you decide not to write here much anymore, I just want to say I appreciate that you have, I have enjoyed reading this blog.

Chelsea said...

I must say, I'm very envious of your committment. Very few of my new "habits" make it thru/past the first week.

As far as having nothing left to say, well, maybe a break is all you need. People in cubicles take a week off without the world coming to an end, why can't bloggers? I know what the talking ends say about our attention spans, but have faith in your readers and the community you've created.

Take a week off from the internet. And when you come back, tell us all about the world beyond our screens.

Alexis said...

Please don't give up your blog! Maybe give yourself a break and only post 3 or 4 times a week, but please don't disappear altogether!
I don't comment on every post, but I do read and enjoy them all!

jesse said...

I'm not speaking from experience here, but it seems what you are going through would be a natural fall from the high of "The View". You've done 'X', and so you wonder what is next. Perhaps you should allow yourself time to process. You have a completely new perspective now. A lot of us would benefit from hearing about that, and maybe you'd benefit from the telling.