almost

I've been thinking about writing what I've been living through lately. Writing used to be my solace, my therapy, my outlet. 

Part of me doesn't want to go that deep again. 

Part of me knows it'll help not just me but maybe others in the same place. That time when your children are growing up and your parents need you in different ways than you could have imagined. When your life feels continually upended and your equilibrium and center have shifted to a place you don't know. 

Today I was ready to start writing it. 

But it turns out I'm not. 

Thinking, contemplating, mulling it inside is as much as I can muster. 

But tomorrow is another day. 

depth

I used to dig deep when blogging, sharing the minutia of life altering realities Publishing a big book and donating a kidney come to mind. 

Writing was my solace, my therapy, my exploration of situations and feelings I couldn't quite talk about. 

It's not that I don't have those anymore. 

A child leaving for college. A parent who's been in the hospital for most of this year. A body that's shifting towards the unknown. 

But I don't need to examine and purge the way I used to. 

Which makes me wonder if I still have valid thoughts to put out into the world that might resonate with other people. 

I'm thinking that writing more regularly will help tap back into that. 

Or maybe what will resonate most is this feeling of uber juggling and handling and coping and dealing that so many of us are going through. 

compartmentalizating

I would suppose everyone compartmentalizes to some extent. Blurry edges can make life more difficult to navigate and handle sometimes. 

And so many have too many balls in the air. That constant distraction though, can help with staying focus and getting through to do lists and overfilled days. 

Most of the time the balancing act is fine and I'm quite adept at it. My mother always tells me I do too much but to me, it is what it is and it's the way I am - I don't know another way of being. 

Anyway, right now my edges are blurring a bit more than I'm comfortable with. Balls are starting to drop. My inate drive has shut down and I'm perfectly happy lying on a couch and doing nothing. Yet I can't sleep at night. I'm on the edge of too many unknowns and I can't find the excitement in it at the moment, only a subtle sense of dread. 

I would imagine that many at this point in life, with 52 fast approaching, college looming on one end, hospitals and rehab for others, are feeling this too. Everything is shifting. You're needed in different ways. Your children are becoming adults and your parents need you to be the grown up sometimes. And with all that comes such profound change. Houses will be emptier. Responsibilities will shift. Holidays will be different. 

And you can't go back. 

It's far easier for me to box it all away in sections, keeping doors shuts and balls circling as effective coping strategies. At the moment though all go to methods aren't working and life is messy and unexpected. 

Sigh. 

Perhaps overseeing arrangements for a college acceptance weekend, dealing with set ups at rehab, putting info together to hand over to the board I've headed up and am leaving, walking the dogs, making breakfast, editing a movie script, cleaning the apartment, and updating 3 websites will help me get back on my track. 

Or maybe I'll get lost in the Great British Bake Off for awhile. 

cramming

I made a commitment to blog every day for 40 days. This is day three and it's already almost gotten away from me. 

I'd started several times but things got in be way. Posts about reinvention. About transformation. About letting go when I don't want to. But they all disappeared along the way. 

That's what life is these days. 

Focus. Concentration. Drive? All out the window. 

It's more about putting out fires. Catching up. Cramming in. Juggling too many balls. 

I'm waiting for slightly longer respites so I can put more than a couple of thoughts together. 

But for now I'm glad I sat for a moment to write. 

balance

Every day, these days, is a study in balance. 

Emotional. 

Physical. 

Dealing with immediate crises. 

And longer lasting dramas. 

Contemplated huge change. 

Family. 

Work. 

Finding space and calm in the chaos and unknown. 

Not my comfort zone. 

But I'm breathing my way through. 

That and watching the Great British Bake Off. 

space

I went to yoga today, too tired to be there but too compelled to skip. Sleep has been eluding me lately. Tightness in my jaw has become more of a staple than a passing fad. So many emotional balls are in the air, so many imminent changes, so many almost dire circumstances have left me a bit on the shaky side. 

Waiting for class to start, tears welling up slightly, I wondered if I should quietly slip out before we started to move. 

But no. I stayed. Realizing I hadn't eaten all day and hoping I'd make it through to the end. 

Then the teacher said we'd need extra props. That we'd be flowing but we'd also be spending time in restorative poses. That finding balance in this hectic city, with sirens screaming and people throwing elbows on sidewalks, was necessary. That in the busy, overwhelming lives we lead, we need to find space. And quiet. And peace. 

My body turned it down a notch.

My brain stopped whirling for a bit. 

I walked home slower than usual and then sat with my daughter, getting lost in a delicious reality baking show. 

My to do list is still tremendous. The changes and stresses from before haven't gone anywhere. 

But the door to calm opened and I remembered I can always step through and visit when I need to. 

sigh

I just wrote an entire blog post at how I'm getting better at dealing with those overwhelming, shake your head at how frustrating, things are completely beyond my control situations. 

And then the post disappeared into cyberspace. 

Yet another speed bump on the journey. But that's ok. The point of the missing post was that I'm learning to find the silver linings in the chaos. Rehashing previous disasters served no purpose. It's the awareness and growth that matters.