Saturday, May 25, 2013

internal furnace

It's been a hellish week filled with severe anxiety, monstrous cramps, rampant nausea, intense mood swings. Fear. Panic. Scary thoughts. Oh and moments—more like 40 minutes stretches—when my internal temperature cranked up 100 degrees and I couldn't stop sweating. Lying in bed, sitting quietly at my desk, watching TV with the kids. That scared me even more.

And then I realized, I'm smack in the middle of perimenopause. All this time I've been thinking I'd be the person to sail through it with no symptoms, no discomfort, no issues whatsoever. Looking back though, for the past few years there have been more and more signs my body is changing and I just hadn't put the menstrual pieces together.

My period is coming more frequently. Ever 22/23 days. Cramps are getting more intense and last longer. My digestive system's become hijacked and I now lose my appetite for a few days before and during.

I've become remarkably forgetful, which is shocking and difficult as I'm detail oriented to an obsessive fault. I've left water boiling until the pot is empty, held keys in my hand while frantically tearing the apartment apart looking for them, gone to the supermarket and come back with nothing I'd planned to get.

There's been a sense of barely holding it together that's been growing over the past couple of years. This too, for someone who juggles like mad and keeps balls in the air at all times, has been far more than disconcerting.

I haven't said a word to anyone about any of this. I haven't really acknowledged any of it to myself. And it seems much of what I've been experiencing is typical. Average. To be expected.

I'll be 49 next month. And seems that in spite of my denial my body and systems are right on schedule.

Knowing helps. Reading, learning, researching, figuring it out, connecting the dots, researching. I spent yesterday sorting through books, articles, websites, making a list of more to explore.

And write about. Writing always helps. I haven't written, not really, in a long time. This is feeling like it could be my next big subject.

It's my reality. And that's always been my most powerful inspiration