As I was just walking to yoga, on this icy, wet, slush-filled morning, I was thinking about what to write about. I was thinking about how easy it is to say you're going to let go of what you know, how you (I'm talking me here) can understand, conceptualize, "get" it, but the reality of letting go is just about impossible. While contemplating this I was also pondering the negative spaces that take over me. How lost I can get in being angry, feeling slighted, ignored, hurt - whether it was intentional or not. I trend sensitive for those here who haven't noticed. I can spin things that happened or might possibly happen over and over. And over. As if there's a replay button in my brain that can select out my most painful moments and put them on high rotation.
I'm really good at making myself feel really bad.
As I wandered the aisles of the Container Store, gazing at tiny boxes and packs of tissue paper this deep, way deep, so deep realization hit me.
Perceived rejection has to be one of my first feelings.
Whoa. Perceived rejection.
Growing up healthy in a house with a very ill sibling meant I got less attention. Not maliciously. Not with awareness. But I was ok and he wasn't. Reasonable, rational, logical. But not really when you're less than three.
From that, from there I think I internalized not being important enough and became comfortable with, accepting of people treating me with a certain sense of disregard.
I seek out those relationships.
To be put at the bottom of someone's list of priorities is where I know I'm supposed to be.
SHIT.
Damn.
Fuck.
This is a huge one for me.
Awareness is the first step.
Maybe this slight shift will help me to fight those ingrained tendencies and I can start letting go of something I never even thought of as a thing.
It is what is.
But I want it to be what was.
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