Today was a breaking the camel's back kind of day. I found out what too much was. I stared it down and then shut it out.
One thing I've learned is to recognize how much I can handle and to refuse to take on more when I can't.
Today I couldn't. And it was big. Life changing. It had/has the potential to change much of the foundation of my life. It's something that isn't mine but indirectly affects me profoundly. Everything could change drastically, dramatically, permanently.
And that's all I can say.
Honestly, that's all I can feel. I can't absorb it, think about it, process it. I can only detach and watch, with my eyes squeezed tight, just peeking furtive glances when a lull flows by.
This is when my anorexic past comes in super handy. I'm can compartmentalize so efficiently, so effectively, that in spite of the chaos and confusion I'm surrounded by, I'm functioning. I'm holding on. I'm dealing.
But, at the moment, I'm not feeling. And for now that's ok.