where the hell am I going?

I have to start this post by saying I JUST FINISHED this post and it disappeared. I finally worked it to the place where it felt right, and it's gone. Oh god. That's not the way I want this morning to start. And I'll add here that my last post ended with a rallying cry that FLOW is a game changer for me, that I've discovered my ambition, that I want my life to change, that I'm craving success for the first time and how absolutely foreign and uncomfortable that is to me. I put all that down, and boom, it's gone. Perhaps my there's something to be said for my innate superstition . . .

Honestly, I don't think I can go back and recreate what I wrote. It doesn't feel/flow right the second time. So, I'll summarize. Sorry folks, I hope this works. I wrote about going to a gallery opening last night, which is something we don't do often, getting dressed up and heading to the Lower East Side for feminist art and wine and how I'm not a night person. Day time works so much better for me and that even putting together something to wear out at night is hard (I ended up in jeans, a white t covered with purple lotuses, a vintage cream cardigan covered in sequins and black boots with heels, something I NEVER wear). About how, after the show, my sister-in-law, who's here for the weekend, was surprised, more shocked really, to find out that living in the west village, writing books while raising kids, all that my life is, isn't part of a grand plan, that I have no grand plan. My path evolves as I go along.

I wrote about how I never look to the future. I'm not great a making plans more than a week in advance. That my fears of what might happen have taught me to keep myself shut down when it comes to what's next. That I've worked my butt off to put projects out into the world and while I've loved and have believed in them all, I had no expectations or dreams that any would leave a mark. And none of them have. Yes, they've all been stepping stones along this organic, unplanned path, but this is the first time, the FIRST TIME, I'm not sitting back, tepidly hoping something good might happen. I'm working, hard, to make people pay attention. I'll trying to let go of my stuff and move past my own roadblocks.

I want FLOW to be a huge success. I want it to be an HBO film, an off Broadway musical with rhinestoned tampon hats and lots of red velvet, an edgy nail polish line (hats off to my creative friends on twitter). I want people to seek me out—interesting, engaging nurturing types who help me put more out into the world. I want to sell more books/projects that make people stop and talk and think. I want to be heard, to share my thoughts, to keep creating.

I WANT MORE.

Day 35 is saying that out loud for the first time.