Saturday, November 21, 2009

crashed and burnt

I am completely depleted. My temples are dull, achy, almost at the point of a slight headache throb, but not quite. My arms, my shoulders, the back of my neck, my legs feel heavier than normal somehow. It's hard to hold myself straight up at the moment. It's almost like the minutes before a cold hits and my body is prepping me for impending aches and pains. Only this time it's exhaustion. What I need, badly, is a day off. A day with no internet, no computer, no iphone, no connections, no checking, no searching. But, knowing myself way to well, that's not to be. Because I can't stop. Sadly, pathetically almost, this exhaustion is mixed with freneticism that I can't turn off.

I woke up at 6, checked email, FLOW's amazon ranking, and who was on twitter, but managed to go back to sleep for a couple of hours. That, in itself, is huge for me. But, in spite of being so-damn-tired-my-eyes-are-tearing-uncontrollably, I'm now mentally creating endless lists to slog through today. Last night, as I toppled into bed, I realized the holiday season couldn't happen without a new promo film, hawking FLOW as the perfect holiday gift. I had to get up, find paper and a pen and jot down ideas so I wouldn't lose them in dreams. The apartment is officially wrecked, as I haven't been able to pull it all together this week, so MAJOR cleaning is on the agenda. We're hosting Thanksgiving, and no I haven't even begun to think about any planning, cooking, who's even coming. I'm pretty sure I sent out an invite this week, but haven't heard back from anyone. Laundry? Too much to contemplate. I've got design work to catch up on, cruise paperwork to fill out (we're going on an obligatory family trip over the holidays), bills to pay, a daunting stack of papers haphazardly balanced on my printer that needs pruning. 972 emails in my inbox that need to be sorted through somehow.

And yet, it's hard to do any of the above, because all I seem to be able to do is obsessively check. Check what you might ask?

amazon rank, amazon comments
google mentions for both me and FLOW: blogs, news, recent activity, past hour, past 12 hours, past week
FLOW site hits, my site hits, youtube channel hits
comments on previous FLOW mentions
my blog comments, how many page views
facebook updates
all the while having tweetdeck open so I can post, follow, and answer
email checks
with the occasional google chat happening as well

Whew. I'm sure there's more but my brain's refusing to admit to it. The above list is ridiculous enough.

There's a nervous energy that's almost anxiety, but not quite, just below my surface. Honestly, that's how I generally exist in the world, but now it's cranked up to 11 ALL THE TIME. What to do. What can I do. Who can I hound, email, push? Why is nobody reviewing the book, interviewing me, writing about FLOW? WHERE IS EVERYONE? WHY ISN'T THIS BOOK'S SELLING WELL THE CENTER OF EVERYONE'S UNIVERSE?!!

HA! Ok, there, I said it. And made myself laugh in the process. I know I've gone completely over the edge this time. That I need to dial it back. That I sound so ludicrous it's borders on cartoonish. I can't help it folks. This is me unhinged, unfettered, unleashed.

I'm thinking coffee won't help.

Day 46 should be all about zen, but most likely will be managing frantic.


Catharine said...

I bought my copy. It was the only copy left in my local independent bookshop. And it looks fabulous!

Amy Oscar said...

Would it help if I said that I admire, more than anything else you're doing, this transparency, this chronicle of the intensity, the unhinging, the coming apart... and the way that you see what's going on as it happens and are still willing and brave enough to let it happen.

Bravo for that, too!