joy blossoming in the insanity

I've been working steadily for months. Drumming up interest, pitching, emailing, contacting, designing, writing, producing, tweeting, checking, connecting, hawking, selling, promoting, making sure that everyone I know, and everyone that everyone I know knows, knows about FLOW. That frenzy hit hyperdrive the past few weeks and I grew into this person I didn't know I could be. SSP (shameless self promoter). As SSP, my general state of insecurity lessened somewhat. It wasn't completely gone, but I handled potential rejection better. It truly felt, especially for the past couple of weeks, that I was invincible, that I could push as much as I felt I needed to (which, being me, meant all the time), and no one would really notice. No, it's not that they wouldn't notice, they'd take it with a grain of salt, understand how I needed to drive home the message about this book I believe in so much, and tolerate it all with a smile. And that I'd be able to keep up the frenetic pace until the book sold hundreds of thousands of copies.

Nope.

I'm exhausted. Every day since Tuesday (FLOW's onsale date), I've crashed and burned by 2 in the afternoon. Yesterday I managed to miss 2 yoga classes, drifting in and out of sleep, not able to move an inch after I collapsed onto my bed. There are times tears start flowing, I'm so tired I can't hold emotions back. To be honest, I'm not even sure what I'm feeling anymore. After my self-induced pre-sale mania, I'm numb.

That is, most of the time.

I finally made it to a yoga class at 4:15. Expecting it to be one of my favorite teachers, whose class grooves with wonderful music and challenging choreography that keeps my mind occupied at all time, I was too spent to even be disappointed to find she wasn't there. The sub was this lovely guy, incredibly sweet and enthusiastic, who's just starting out. I had to concentrate more than usual, to figure out what I was supposed to be doing. That shift in focus let the FLOW stronghold slip and 3/4 of the way through class it hit me: I was smack in the middle of a dream coming true. As I wrapped around into seated spinal twist, tears stung—the enormity of where I was (not spinning to the right, but right in the middle of day 3 of this book being out into the world), finally was my reality. On the way to class, I had run into an old friend who's coming to my Rizzoli party (seems that many people are coming out for the shindig), who told me to savor the moment. To stop and appreciate where I was. I've been hearing that a lot, but it's just been words. I haven't stopped the spin long enough for anything to sink in. And it's not that I consciously kept the spin going, it took on a life of its own. So there I was, hooking my elbow over my knee, tears standing out in my eyes, feeling almost as if I had left my body and was looking in at some crazy amazing miraculous thing happening to someone else.

FLOW is real. It's out in the world. It's making an impact. People are talking and whether they love it, are horrified, ambivalent, shocked, dismayed, bored, disgusted, thrilled, countless people I don't know, know FLOW. This idea that took so much effort and energy, sometimes so much I didn't know that I'd survive, is far more than I ever thought it could be. In that moment, and for the next hour or so, I floated on a cloud of joy in this monumental accomplishment.

And then it was time to practice spelling words with Jack.

Day 38 is hoping FLOW keeps flowing.