blanking

Since almost the beginning of my personal 40 day
blog challenge, I've woken up with a sense of what I wanted to write about. If not actual substance, than at least direction, an idea, a fleeting concept that I've known would evolve into something.

Today? Nothing. Not an inkling. I'm as tired now as when I went to sleep. Hey, I'm as tired now as I was 3 hours before I went to sleep which is when I should have gone to sleep. My body and brain gave out at 8. Jon walked in and found me curled up under blankets, too tired to move. But still I fought to stay awake for hours, spinning ideas, tweeting like mad, answering emails and getting bits and pieces of actual work done.

Last night did bring about the FLOW-tini, a concoction of pomegranate juice, vodka and maraschino cherries. While just a virtual cocktail, many on twitter enjoyed it throughout the evening. The idea of a FLOW board game got some play. Someone suggested doing an Absolute FLOW parody ad and I'm thinking I'm compelled to do that today. Getting lost in a design project for awhile would be so good for my soul. I found another blog write-up, as googling the book at regular intervals is now part of my anxiety-ridden schedule.

Maybe that's what I should be writing about. I'm living on the very tippy-top surface right now. Moment to moment. Reacting. Searching. Tweeting. Responding. 140 characters is just about all I can think in right now. It's almost impossible to sit long enough to concentrate on anything bigger. In fact, while I write this, I'm chatting with someone at google mail, and keep checking facebook and twitter to make sure I'm not missing anything. And when I'm not hunched over at my big computer (my shoulders are so tight it's bordering on the edge of serious pain), I'm attached to my iphone, as if it's some sort of life source. I can't stop. I can't not be connected. I was watching Curb Your Enthusiasm last night and only lasted 15 minutes before I had to check in. Even at my Daily Beast interview yesterday, I snuck my phone out just to see where things stood.

A writing teacher suggested I put essays out there—what better time to write than this? Right before the book comes out. The waiting, anxiety, tension, the dream/reality conflict? How I got here? The background of FLOW? It's SUCH a great idea. But, asides from this blog, I can barely put 3 sentences together. I've even started answering emails in blocky, cut-off sentences. People must think I've lost the ability to properly structure a sentence. It's almost as if I let myself sink into anything substantial, the enormity of RIGHT NOW will hit and I'll freeze. So I'm skimming through, just trying to hold it all together.

We'll see what today brings. More shameless FLOW promotion that I've got to seriously ramp up to a bigger scale. Last night, after a big interview my co-author said this part is like pushing a boulder up a hill, hoping it'll get to an apex and roll down the other side. RIght now, I'm not sure where, or if, the apex is.

Day 34 is an uncomfortable combination of tired anxiety.