next

I am lucky that I have a bunch of nexts. 

A plethora of possibilities (I do love alliteration). 

Several different paths I could choose to explore. 

But how to know which.

Which would be the best fit. The most fulfilling. The most successful. And that leads to just what is successful - making money, helping people, sharing information, heightening awareness?

Hmmm. 

I miss being lost in projects with timelines and schedules and finite goals. That somehow was far easier, while being far from easy. 

juggling

My mom just got home after 6 plus weeks in the hospital and rehab. 

My older one is smack in the middle of the college process. 

My younger one is struggling with the transition to high school. 

It's year two of a business I started and it's not coming together yet. 

The fight I've been fighting for fair funding in NYC schools gets more and more time consuming. 

This is my second year heading up the PTA at the largest high school in the country. 

Co writing a movie for the first time isn't what it was when I started. 

I've had my period for 12 days straight. 

Each of the above is fraught with emotions, changes, unknowns. There have been moments of pure joy. Others of abject fear. 

So many things swirling. 

Often at the same time. 

The juggle is real. 

sand

It's great to want to make change happen. 

It's inspiring to feel passionate about a cause. 

It's heartening to have people support what you believe in. 

It's gratifying to be heard. 

But it's like moving a beach one grain of sand at a time sometimes. 

Sigh. 

grasping

Aging parents. 

Aging kids. 

Aging me. 

Those three things dictate so much of my reality right now.

Unknown. Flux. Uncertainly. Lack of control. Confusion. 

Things that for the most part make me exceedingly uncomfortable. 

Change. 

And growing. Growing more dependent. Or independent. Gaining wisdom. Growing wings. Getting bigger. Or shrinking smaller. 

It's all so unsettling. I wish I could freeze time and not have sand contantly shifting under my feet, if only for a day or two. An hour here or there. A moment. 

A moment to appreciate all I have. All I love. How precious and profound and important and mundane all this is. 

Wishing I had a profound thought to wrap up with but tonight this is all I've got. 

everything and nothing

Right now I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing. 

In spite of the many things I'm in the middle of. 

Not sure where this flailing feeling is coming from. It could be the wanting and waiting for reaction and change and not knowing if that will ever or even happen. 

Will I move mountains or barely start a ripple? 

I don't know. Just have to wait and see I suppose. Which is one of my least favorite things to do. 

combinations

This morning my latest Huffington Post piece went live - everything something goes up, I still get a bit of a thrill. 

Curious, that they chose to leave the tampon photo off my piece about menstruation. Even more curious is that tampons are not actually given out by nurses in NYC public schools. 

I believe I just discovered what I'll be researching once school is back in session.

8

It's not often that I fall victim to apps/games (although I still play Fruit Ninja) on occasion. Temple Run caused way too much angst for something that was supposed to be enjoyable. Angry Birds escaped me. But I recently discovered the 8 year old in me loves making avatar, picking out outfits, and putting myself in ridiculous contexts on Bitmoji. 

I've irritated friends. Wasted too much time. Talked about it incessantly with family. And days later am still amused. 

I'd been thinking about writing about something more meaningful, introspective, or thought provoking, but after a rough night, this is as deep as I can go. 

And that's fine.