next

I don't know what's next. 

I don't angst about it like I used to. 

I don't need to know. 

I'm more comfortable with the unknown than I ever have been. 

Sort of. 

I can't tell if this calmer outlook is because I'm growing up. Getting older. Or giving in. 

Part of me wishes I could rekindle my passion and energy and drive. And part of me is nothing but relieved to not be so driven anymore. 

delving

I used to use this space to delve deeper into some serious issues. I bared my soul. I shared my fears. I opened my insecurities to the world. Which, at the time, was a welcome release. 

Part of me wishes I could still do that. There's much inside me right now that needs a place to go. Aging parents. Aging me. Aging kids. College. High school. Menopause. Career paths. Volunteering. Politics. Racism. Health. Wealth. The state of the city. The state of the country. The wars in the world. 

Overwhelming. 

Writing it out doesn't feel right at the moment. It's almost too much to contend with and so it's less emotional to plough through my extensive to do list and not address the other parts of things, no matter how important, intense, pervasive they are. 

Sigh. 

My mantra of the moment helps me through these unknowing, ever changing bits: this too shall pass. And from mud comes beauty. 

next up

I could contact fellow PTA's about unfair funding. Work on marketing strategies for my newish business. Research femcare advertising for a possible project. Send out invoices. Look into car service packages. Delve into one of the many book ideas I have that I haven't explored yet. Clean my living room. Make dinner. 

Be productive. 

But instead I'm just going to sit here a little longer and feel pretty ok about not doing any of the above or anything else. 

swirling thoughts

Well, not really swirling. Regular meditation has turned down the swirl volume significantly. But these days, without a project to totally immerse myself in, new ideas float in fairly often. 

Sadly, they float out almost as quickly without my having acted on them. 

An idea arrives. I work it through a bit in my head. And then off it goes without having been fully explored or put out in the world in any real way. These days it's public education. Unfair funding. High school admissions. The college process. The state of politics both nationally and in MYC. Bureaucracy. The frustration of trying to make changes. Menstruation has popped up again. 

I wonder if I should focus on one area again. One argument. One point of view and let all the rest go. But nothing is consuming me the way things used to. 

I take that as a sign of health and balance. But I miss the drive and the end of day accomplishments. 

under the radar

I've been feeling lately that I'm not accomplishing much - not the way I did when I went from project to project, book to book, back to back to back endevours that absorbed all my time, creativity, energy. 

It's been a long time since I lost my soul to things like that, things that consumed me and took over my life. I don't particularly miss them. The highs were glorious but the lows almost broke me at times and I know I don't want to go back to those dark places again. 

Tonight though, I saw what I've been quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) fighting for was heard. Information shared. People educated. Processes explained. That perhaps my final outcomes aren't going to be concrete books on shelves or public acknowledgements of what I've done, but instead an internal thumb's up to myself, a quiet knowledge that I'm making a difference. That I'm helping. 

It's not nearly as public. But remarkably satisfying. 

perma-bloat

A while back I thought perhaps a book about menopause would be a good fit.

I am of that age. 

And I do love talking about menstruation.

I bought a bunch of books for reading/research but had trouble making it past the introductions. They felt trite, cloying, sappy, medicalized, depressing. Full of cliches about enjoying golden years or celebrating freedom. 

I don't really want to be free. I like getting my period. It's comfortable, comforting, a familiar tradition that while can be painful and messy it's been with me for almost as long as I can remember. I'm fine with it staying. I don't particularly like change. I thought perhaps I would somehow avoid the whole menopause thing and just keep chugging along. 

Nope. 

This shit just got real. 

I haven't gotten my period in 2 months. Since 3/9 to be exact. I feel like I'm getting it. All the time. My skin is breaking out and peeling. My middle has been blown up like a cheap pool toy for weeks. I have chipmunk cheeks, strange cramps, anxiety is always hovering, a constant state of swollen has taken hold. 

I think I came up with the perfect analogy: it's like sitting on the runway on a plane that's not taking off. No one's saying why. There are issues. You can't get disembark. You can't go anywhere else. You're stuck in the unknown and  have no choice but to deal. 

That feeling one gets a few days before your period arrives of swelling, stretched skin, bloat, a phantom double chin, heavy breasts, pants slightly too tight? I am now that way ALL THE TIME. I coined a new term yesterday: perma-bloat. That's pretty much summing things up right now. 

Now that menopause isn't abstract perhaps there's a book in here for me to do. One that doesn't have rainbows or HRT. More along the lines of keeping me grounded (sorry for the bad pun) while waiting for the tech crew to get the plane up and running again.

 

not writing about menopause

I made a commitment to write about menopause for 40 days to see if there was a book project in there for me to dig into. 

Turns out I wasn't writing about menopause after awhile, I was more whining about it. And that, for me, isn't motivation to delve into anything. 

Menopause is what it is. I'll live through it, perhaps navigate some unknown territory, will miss my period when it's gone and that's that. As my yoga teacher said at the beginning of class yesterday, quoting from some graffiti that made her stop and stare: 

this is so fucking temporary

I LOVE that. It's honest and true and describes menopause to a T. It describes many things to a T. And that's what I'm going to hold onto as I live this phase. 

Still haven't figured out my next project. But not knowing is only temporary too.