creeping back

Yesterday was the first time I was able to write about what I'm feeling in real time in a long time. These meds have been delightful in a way but I've also been cut off a bit from my usual angst. Having said that, there have been glimmers but I was so afraid I'd fall back into full blown anxiety that I was terrified to take a look and figure out what was going on.

And so my body decided to smack me, hard, and remind me who I am. I've been dizzy for days, at times feeling like I'd faint on the street. My stomach's been in knots. I've been full of doubt and insecurity and so tired all I want to do is sleep. Is it all anxiety? Doubtful. But enough signs are there.

It's time to look. 

It's time to write.

It's time to accept that anxiety is part of who I am and that it doesn't always have to be negative. It drives me. It motivates me. It gives me energy, motion, focus. And those are powerful things I need to be me.

I have to find the balance between relaxing, easing up, being in the moment, floating through life and insane self-imposed stress. 

I don't know how to do it.

Yet. 

But I won't let myself get back to how bad I was. And I miss being immersed in something that's important to me.

I kind of see my path. It's a tightrope, a thin wire at the moment. But maybe, with practice, it'll be like walking a wide path.