Thursday, August 19, 2010

and old fashioned, angst-filled rant

I slept on the couch last night. In 22 years of being married, 23 years of living together, 27 years of being together, it was a first.

It was a bad night. It wasn't a great day. It hasn't been a great week. I was reamed for being lazy, irresponsible, inefficient, neglectful. I can't remember the exact words but the general gist is that I do nothing when someone else does everything. And that I am single-handedly raising children who are the same way.

How does one react to such a sweeping condemnation of everything about oneself?

Hysteric crying. Which, I have to say, is hard to do on meds.

I'm finding it's hard to do many things on meds that maybe I should be doing. Like accomplishing things. Finishing what I've started. Crossing thing off my to-do list. Having a to-do list to cross things off of. Yes, I'm mellower, more complacent, more content, but damn, where the hell am I?

What do I do?

Do I let the anxiety back in and plunge to the depths again, knowing that I'll have those super highs too? At this point I've got nothing going on and maybe, just at the edges, it's starting to scare me.

Who am I?

I mean truly–WHO AM I?


There. I said it. And even not knowing, not having an inkling, an idea, an anything, I'm not freaked out. Normally, I'd be psycho at this point.

There are things about this place that I like: I'm in great shape. I can ride my bike in the city. Drive my car without panic. Not get endlessly lost in the spin in my head. I obsess less. Relax more. I'm not terrified that I'll fall off the edge again.

But I'm not doing anything when I have so much to do. I've got a PTA to run. A movie to collaborate on. Books I could start. And finish. I could update my website. Blog every day. Finish the films I've started. Start new ones I've thought of. Clean out my desk drawer.

Take my kids to interesting places.

Be more involved in the food we eat.

Scrub the living room floor.

Paint the apartment.

Train the dog.

Tackle the stack of paperwork on my desk.

Pack for vacation.

Set up my router and backup system on my computer.

Sell my old set up.

Clean the car.

But, instead, I made a bracelet. It's lovely—2 brown leather cords with purple jade laced in between—but that won't get me far in life. I have to say, it does look nice though.

I take naps.

I sit.

Am I farther along the path or am I going backwards? I can't tell. I don't know.

Do I stay here, in this slightly numb place or do I jump back into the whirlpool?

Is this just the lazy days of summer or am I starting to rot?

What am I doing with my life?

Who do I want to be?

Damn. No one can answer any of this but me and I just don't want to spin at the moment.


Lauren Doyle said...

I don't know you. But I do know this, this thing that you're going through. And all I can say this that YOU NEED THIS. So what if you take a month, or a few months, where you're not super mom, super wife, super everything? So what if you give yourself the time - the space - the permission to do nothing but make a bracelet?

It takes time to learn how to back away from anxiety. To change the way your brain works. If you're leading on meds for that, that's fine. Maybe it'll slow you down enough to realize what you truly want verses what you've been on track to do. You are not a machine.

And your husband - I'm sure he's a total gem - should cut you some slack. Mostly, though, you should cut yourself some slack.

Trish Cardona said...

I liked your rant, because at the end of the day, at the end of all the 'to dos', we rebel, or we are ourselves the most (so maybe it's not exactly rebelling), when we do something simply for the sheer beauty and enjoyment of it. It's a woman thing, I think.

Maybe men have their own thing, but for me as well, it ends up to be shopping for something really nice that makes me happy, even for just a moment, like a ring or maybe a lovely notepad, or the ever-present magazine with the photo of that dress I will eventually fit into when I get my butt off of the couch.

I'm not saying this is how one's day should always end (or begin for that matter). But we need those days, more often than not.

Raven said...

Make more bracelets.

Cheryl Oppenhiem said...

Doll, we need to have lunch. Soon. Love you, for you.