Thursday, December 10, 2009

a momentary soul crisis

"It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." I get it. I get being in middle of the see saw, at that point trying to precariously balance as life veers out of control. And right now, in this moment, I'm not handling any of it well.

Not only that, I'm not sure who I am at this moment. And I while I know who I want to be, I'm not sure I'll get there. This is not an easy place.

At this moment I have to fight through the housekeepers downstairs to finish the laundry I started at 8:27 this morning. I have to type up the notes from a middle school PTA meeting from last night. Somehow, I became the designated secretary when the actual one couldn't be there. I have to design a line of merchandise for the school and negotiate the egos and supposed expertise of people who honestly don't know what they're doing but think they do, which makes it all the more challenging. I have to be at Jack's school in 20 minutes to coordinate a holiday art project for his 3rd grade class.

I have to finish my website. Update FLOW's. Write thank you notes for all the gracious hosts/interviewers who talked to/with me. I have to ramp it up and find more people to do the same. I feel so stuck in this moment, wanting more but not knowing how to get there. In yoga today, the teacher talked about being open to the moment. When I open at this point, tears come. Tears of what I don't know, but they keep showing up today. I'm in pain.

Emotional pain and physical pain. I've had a headache since yesterday, piercing my left temple. Nothing helps. I've been getting these before my period on a somewhat regular basis, but this is the first time it appeared right after it was over.

I have plans to go out to dinner with friends tonight, women I love, I planned this but all I want to do is curl up on my bed and be left alone. I know going out will start kid drama "you always leave," "you're never here, "Why do you always leave?"

I want to leave. I want to do bigger things. I want my phone to ring. My email to be bursting with projects, offers, ideas, people who want to collaborate or ask questions, who want to be in touch.

I don't want empty.

I don't want this.

I don't want my husband telling me he's not happy and I have to fix it. I can't do that. I don't want illness and uncertainty for the people I love. I can't make that happen. I don't want the unknown, the scariness, the desperate hoping.

I want to know.

I want more.

I want someone to tell me it will be ok in the end. Because right now I don't feel that and can't find it myself.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Elissa- I just caught up on your blog - it has been a few weeks...

It is amazing- once again how I so relate- not to everything but to so much of what you are saying.

I have not published a book but have thought of it many times; I have not lived in NYC but would like to someday; I don't do yoga and I don't celebrate Hanukkah..

BUT I do relate to your inner turmoil, your outer sarcasm, wit and interest in being involved at school, in the community in your life til we become over extended and then have to retreat...most people don't believe I ever retreat but I so do- bed at 8:30 pm and then up at 2 am because I can't sleep...

Also- I can relate to seizures..
When Colleen (12) was 1- she had a seizure at 6am Christmas morning. She never came into our bed but it was Christmas and she had woken up early...she seemed uncomfortable and the next thing I knew her eyes were rolling back in her head and I was screaming for my husband to do something, anything. We called 911, it was 6 am on Christmas morning! Volunteer firefighters and EMTs were at our house in minutes. She was taken in the ambulance- I couldn't go with her- I was too scared and a wreck- that is why I have Brian- he is calm- he went with her- I drove behind- I seem strong but am I really? Many moms woudl have fought tobe in the ambulance but I was too sacred...that was strange.
Anyway- she spent five days in the hospital with every test imaginable- it was not febral seizures and it was not epilepsy and 11 years later we still have no idea what it was...besides scary, eye opening and a reminder which was so needed at the time to what is important on Christmas!

Thanks for always sharing. I hope you were able to go out and have fun with your girlfriends without guilt and it was fun! Janie