FABULOUS

 

Today someone told me I was fabulous. It's been a long time since anyone's said that and more importantly, honestly, truthfully, it's been longer than I can remember since I've felt that way. Just hearing that word brought me back a bit and I felt more interesting and connected than I have in a stretch. I've wondered for awhile what is it that caused this fading, this lack of joy, this blandness that's taken over. I live in grey jumpsuits at this point which is for sure a sign that something's up. Or a sign that comfort is more important. Not sure where I stand on that at the moment. And I wonder that too. Being fabulous or at least living on the edge of extra takes energy and work and commitment. Maybe letting go of that a bit is a healthier place to be. Jury is out on that as well. I've lived much of my life thinking there are still great things inside me to be expressed and explored. I also used to be much more driven to make them come to fruition. All part of a journey I suppose. So sort of post Covid, in my late 50s with grey hair that's here to stay and age spots and wrinkles and a belly I never used to have, having just lost my mom and dealing with disaster and sadness and worry for over a year, wondering what's next and also if I feel like making something happen I don't know. I used to know. I used to live in a place of constant idea generating, motion, doing, accomplishing, striving and all that came with a lot of stress. I think it was to keep me from dealing with real life stress. So now I'm dealing with the real life stuff and damn. It's hard. Struggling. Wondering. Not sure where to go from here. I bought a new laptop, making a deal with myself that I'd write every day and see what happens. Maybe it's just the act of writing that's supposed to happen. Words used to flow rather effortlessly and right now it's a sputtering trickle. But today is day one and we'll see. Next up, painting something, which is something relatively new. Maybe the fabulousness is still down deep, it's just been dormant for awhile.