autonomy

Just about every stage of motherhood is challenging in some way, but letting go, as your kids get older and don't need you the way they used to, is the hardest. Or perhaps it's so hard because that's where I am now. 

Accepting that you're not the one to make decisions anymore, that perhaps choices they make won't be what you'd choose, sitting with that loss is uncomfortable at best, gut wrenching in moments, terrifying at times. Your whole purpose in a way, the care taking, the problem solving, the nurturing isn't needed anymore. You can only hope you did a decent job and have sent these beings that grew inside of you out into the world with the tools they'll need to grow more and more independent. That's how it works. Cycle of life and all that .But it hurts and it's lonely to be on the peripheral instead of front and center, to be benched, sidelined, far less important that you once were.Yeah it's great and all that to watch them grown into themselves, to explore and shine as they start figuring it out. And yes they sometimes come back with the inevitable crash and burn, to have their souls soothed a bit, encouraging words helping to set them back in motion but it's not the same. It's never the same. And that's fine but also honestly not fine. 

Looking for the light in losing and I haven't found it yet. On the other hand, the bathrooms are always clean and I'm searching valiantly for velvet swivel chairs—hoping the bright spots get brighter and more frequent.