I've been stuck here for awhile now. Lost my way it seems. My creativity, drive, ambition's gone. I'm totally lost.
For most of my life, or at least during the post anorexic thaw, and after I had kids, I've been awash in ideas. There's always been something bubbling. Projects happening. Proposals coming together. Brainstorming. Thinking. Imagining. Ideas come to me fully formed, or the title of something will pop into my head and I spend hours piecing it all together. I've gone from one to another for years now, selling some, trying, without success to sell far more. I've had countless meetings, gotten hopes up, worked with agents and editors, spinning, hyping, discussing. Defined myself by whatever what concepts were at the top of to-do list. I grooved with that flowing, connecting energy.
But I don't have any now.
FLOW wiped me out. I put everything I had into that project. Too much I think, as there's nothing left. I truly believed it would be the book that changed my life. That after it came out I'd have doors open, people wanting to work with me, coming to me with ideas. That I'd effortlessly move to my next project and after the hell that FLOW was, it would be easier this time.
My design work's just about completely gone. That's how I earned a living and there was always something soothing and gratifying in working through a design project. I sort of thought, as clients disappeared, that it was ok. Maybe it was a sign that my life was moving in a new direction and writing was my future. But nothing's come to fill the void.
This is empty.
I don't know what to do. And that's new too. There's always been the next great idea simmering, glimmering, waiting there for me to notice, pay attention and make it real. I think they've given up on me. If I couldn't get FLOW off the ground, I'm not worthy of their attention. They've up and left for someone more successful, more capable.
I'm feeling negligible. Obsolete. Like I've reached my pinnacle and am on the downslide. I don't have the energy to ramp it all up again. It's too painful putting it all out there and failing. Ok, failing is a bit extreme, but having to start at the beginning, every fucking time, is too much for me.
I wish I had faith. I wish there was hope. I wish I believed.
But I don't today.