Sunday, January 10, 2010

I've got nothing or FLOW at 2 months

FLOW officially went on sale two months ago today. I had thought, in December, that it would have been cool to do a month out recap, a look back on all that had happened after months of hype, years of work, anticipation and expectations. But, in all the craziness, I missed that actual date and thought that at two months out, I'd do the same thing.

Here I am. And I have nothing to say.

It feels like a lifetime ago. It feels like it's over. It feels like if something significant were to happen, it would have already.

I've been on TV. I met Dr. Oz. The New Yorker wrote about FLOW's amazing launch party at Rizzoli's. I've done bunches of interviews, was mentioned in mainstream magazines, can talk, spin, promote on a completely different level than before. I've been blogged about, been insulted, been called me a hero. I've met the coolest people, started online arguments, impressed my relatives. I've inspired some and pissed others off.

In some ways I have far more confidence than ever before. In others, I feel like I'm at the bottom of the mountain, again, and have no idea how I'm going to get back to the top.

I feel empty. Proud, beyond words, of what this book is, conversations its started, how people have responded, but now it's the past. While intellectually I know it's not over, that hopefully this is just the beginning of FLOW making a mark in the world, I'm having a hard time holding on to that right now. I thought this would be the life-changer, the door-opener, the project that would have people sitting up, paying attention, and waiting to work with me/talk to me.


I'm still sitting in my living room, figuring out what's next.

Two months out and life is the same.

Expectations get me every time.

Day 7 is not particularly patient.


Megan Monique Harner said...

I think you said it in one of the last lines. 'Expectations get you every time.' It sounds to me like you should consider letting go of the attachment you have to the way you think things 'should' be. Because there is no should or shouldn't, its just 'what is.' You have accomplished some AMAZING things. You published a book, a monumental book.

And you are exactly right; WHAT'S NEXT! If you were to have published your books and everything went exactly how you expected it, where would you be then? At the end of your road, still figuring out what next.

Whether you are at the top or the bottom of the mountain is all in your perception. Because if you asked me, I'd say you were on the top of the mountain.

Lots of Love to You,

Gina Hyams said...

Yes, I know this feeling. Even when things go very well, as they did for you with "Flow," there is no there there in publishing. It's hard for aspiring authors to understand, the emptiness of publication. I think every author, no matter how seemingly successful, returns to the lonely what next question that can only be answered by following your inner compass and figuring out what you care enough about to muster the will to do it all again.

Anonymous said...

This is completely NORMAL after such a serious coup, my dear! I've had a couple of key moments after (personal) successes (which prompted getting profiled in Marie Claire and some industry pubs) when I felt rather numb.

Yet, what ure experiencing now - is on a another level! It's popular success - kind of like relativity in that you are now a moving object with a valence, which we can all agree upon.

I have only vicarious experiences to share in empathy - yet I think I can illustrate it in a few words: ure BLOWIN UP! (lol)

I am happy to say I have many famous friends and many like you who are in the process of blowin UP(!) - and that "empty" feeling is quite normal. A beautiful woman can only be called beautiful so many times. After which, she starts to wonder whats it all about!


All you can do is stay on the straight path which is taking you to your ultimate destination: complete and total FREEDOM.

You, and your wonderful family will get there. إن شاء الله



Elissa Stein said...

The emptiness of publication sums it up exactly. Thank you. It's harder this time, with a project that's bigger—going back to the beginning feels almost like failure.

Gina Hyams said...

Yeah, but it's not a failure. The book exists. You made it.