fear

Yesterday, we were out of the city, and while Iz was swimming in a friend's pool, a younger kid slid towards the deep end. He couldn't swim, panicked, grabbed onto her and pulled her under. She's not the strongest swimmer and she was/is terrified. Her first words this morning were could she have drowned? I reassured her that in that situation, no she couldn't. Plenty of grownups were there (although I wasn't) and someone would have come to her rescue. Last night though, I had endless nightmares about not being able to save her. She was trapped in an elevator without air and I couldn't open the doors (my biggest fear). She was on a rollercoaster that was out of control and no one could stop it. As she gets older and grows more and more independent, I can't always be there to protect her. When she was little I could check on her in her crib to make sure she was still breathing (I only did that when she was really little), take her temperature endlessly to keep track of a fever (I still try but she won't let me), mash her food into tiny pieces, hold her hand as we crossed every corner, not let go of her in the pool. But I can't be there all the time to make sure nothing bad happens.

Which leads me to a bigger fear and other nightmares. The Wall Street disaster that's pumping up the news today terrifies me. I don't even pretend to understand leveraged buyouts or bundled mortgages, but the fact that renowned institutions could fail so catastrophically, billions (BILLIONS) of dollars lost. Thousands will now be jobless. And what happens? This should send not a ripple, but a tidal wave of fear through the country. But, it will pale in comparison to what Sarah Palin makes for dinner.