Monday, January 30, 2012

life with one kidney

Life with one kidney has been remarkably like life with 2 kidneys. After recovering from the surgery I haven't noticed any difference. I feel the same. Except for scars I look the same. I ride my bike just as far, practice yoga just as much, no difference in my appetite or sleep. I don't crave anything new, feel anything new—all's generally been status quo.

Until last week. When I got sick.

A week ago today a fever started that lasted for days. All I could do was crash in bed for hours at a time, too exhausted to move unless I absolutely had to. The first day my head felt like it was crushing in on itself, pounding, roaring. I drank water until my insides were swimming along with endless cups of ginger tea. By Wednesday night, I started taking antibiotics, something I'm loathe to do (my dread of medicine is a post for another day). It seemed as if a sinus infection, something I'm prone to, had snuck in and taken hold. By Thursday the fever basically broke. But something else set in. Profound, earth-shaking, soul-destroying, life-challenging anxiety.

The meds messed with my digestive system, something that normally doesn't happen. I lost my appetite. Couldn't keep food in. Spent hours in the bathroom with monstrous cramps.

Add to that, my period was late. Not that late but things seem to be shifting and my normally clock like schedule isn't so automatic anymore.

This has been me for days. Barely holding on. Desperately trying not to fall apart. Afraid I won't be ok.

I'm having a really hard time.

I realized, during a few moments today of not being on this very thin edge, that on some level I've been scared about getting sick. Would my body handle things with just one kidney? Not only that, I'm sure it's been deep inside my insides too. Surgery wasn't that long ago. My body is still learning and growing and adjusting. For a couple of hours today the anxiety stopped and I was me again. Nervous but ok.

That's gone.

I know it'll be back.

But I'm terrified it won't happen soon.

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